HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE

I walked out of the building feeling elated rather than forced out. What could have turned out to be devastating actually gave me hope for better things to come.

The Vice President of the company I worked for had just laid me off. It was not a surprise, but expected since the day they hired a controller. One of the conditions of his taking the position was that his assistant was to come with him. I was the existing assistant, and he didn’t need two.

I was formally given my exit notice, but the Vice President had more to say.

He told me I could never make the money I wanted by working for someone else, and I would always work under the threat of being laid-off. Being a woman you just can’t make the money you want. He used his wife as an example of a woman who was independent, making her own decisions. His wife had a part time job working in the medical field, but she started her own multi-level jewelry business. By creating her own business she also gained independence and freedom.

His parting words of encouragement were to remember that this is an opportunity to change my life, to start my own business, to become self-reliant and to no longer depend on an employer for an income. I felt that this was a challenge that needed to be taken seriously. Of course, I wanted to make more money.

I TOOK HIS ADVICE AND . . .

The words he had spoken would lead me on another path, if I allowed and accepted them. What he had said made sense. I had, up to this point, lived a life of dependency. If I wasn’t dependent on a husband for money, then I was dependent on a job. I had not thought that I could create a business or an income for myself any other way.

For the next few days I racked my brain to come up with some logical business ideas. I needed to figure out what I loved to do. Then the questions started pouring from my mind. What could I do? How would I start a business of my own? Did I have enough experience in any field to begin a business? What did I love so much that I would want to do it? Did I have the courage to begin my own business? I spent a lot of hours and days in my head, but was left without a usable idea.

WRITE, WRITE, WRITE

While I was in this thought mode, one of my neighbors stopped by to say hello, and told me he had a word processor for sale. An old one, but it still worked. I decided to buy it, thinking that I could write.

Writing had never been a dream of mine and never something I even thought of doing. The only time I remembered writing was when I was 10 or 11. We had a project at school. We were told to write a short story and the next day read it out loud to the class. At the appointed time, I proudly stood in front of my class and read my short story. I was thrilled to share it with others and excited when they applauded.

Remembering this, I decided to put the wordprocessor to good use. I wrote the beginnings of three novels, a children’s book and a self-help book.

I contacted an editor who was also a writing teacher and of course a writer himself.

He was impressed with what I wrote and said it was nice to finally talk to someone who actually had the talent to write. He then told me not to attend classes, even his, and not try and edit my writing. He wanted me to write creatively and not stop. He would coach me whenever I felt I needed advice or confirmation that I was doing good and he would charge me a minimal fee. All he wanted me to do, was to write, write, and write.

I felt honored that he said those things to me. Though I had been looking for a new way to earn an income, I never considered this a business opportunity, nor did I think about being paid for the books I wrote. Maybe it is a short attention span, but I did not finish anything I wrote. Even so, I loved to write. I loved the words I had written and at times was even excited at the outcome of the story.

LACK OF MONEY RAISED ITS UGLY HEAD

Meanwhile, I was out of a job and without a paycheck and I knew there was no feasible or practical way that the writing I was doing would lead to an income. There was no getting around it, I was very quickly running out of money and I had to do something. At the time, I had it in my head, that I would never go on unemployment. I was completely capable of finding a job and would not make the government pay while I looked.

So, I found a job, went to work and resumed receiving paychecks. Instead of writing I was involved in a job. My writing suffered and nearly ended. It was a pattern I repeated and would repeat many times again.

EVEN TODAY

I would like to say that I’ve had a marvelous revelation, but alas I cannot. I still work for a paycheck which is minimal, dreadful and abusive. I write because I love it and because there are so many thoughts and words I must get out. My writing is a source of happiness as is sharing it with others.

I have learned that far from providing instant gratification, writing does not produce immediate success. It is time consuming and the rewards are not quick. I have to finish (and it can take a very long time) before I am paid.

Changing the way I earn money and the amount of money I earn can only happen if I believe. Believing that I can be the master of my work and the money I earn is essential to moving from dependence to independence.

EXERCISE

• Do you find yourself repeating patterns?
• Does it seem impossible to change?
• Have you given up a dream or using a talent to work for a paycheck?
• Decide how you can make new choices and different choices, even if they are small steps.

REALITY OF WORKING

I sat at the desk looking out the large glass windows toward the street and the shops on the other side. There wasn’t a lot to do, take in payments and answer the phone and neither was busy nor constructive. It was a job in an office and I was doing what the job consisted of. Other than the money I was making I felt as though it was a waste of time. I spent most of my time looking at the clock wishing it was time to go home.

I didn’t have to work. My husband preferred that I stay at home, but that was boring, too. I needed something to do, and something to occupy my time, and this seemed to be it. Or at least it was the only thing I could think of.

At this point in my life I did not have a very good track record. I was still trying to find myself, still trying to decide on a job, and trying to decide what a job was, other than a place to receive a paycheck.

Starting at the age of 16, I had worked in retail sales for two years, worked in the catalog warehouse for a major retail store, and worked in the personnel office at a Federal Agency for a few months. None had been good choices, but they had provided a little experience.

THIS JOB

I had found this job about a mile from where we lived which allowed me to walk in good weather, since we only had one car.

I had not worked for a loan company in the past. I was somewhat familiar since we had to get a loan to buy a car, but I soon learned that working for them would be a pragmatic eyeopener.

I’ve always been good at observing, listening and making mental notes. At this job I needed all these resources. I soon discovered how things worked. My bosses needed collateral that was worth more than the loan amount. It seemed that in the back of their minds their first thought was the possibility of a default on the loan, since the interest rates were high there was a good chance the customer would not be able to make their payments, in a timely fashion. The owners made sure that the collateral was the amount they needed, so that they could repossess the item or items.

When I learned this, I knew that we were paying a higher interest on the car we bought, than if we had spent more time searching for a better and cheaper way. That was disheartening

NOW FOR THE BEST PART

Then a young couple walked in with their child. They spoke at length with the loan officer, as he made notes on a pad of paper. The next step was to hand me the piece of paper with the notes and I was to type the information on a legal contract.

They continued talking to one of the loan officers and they were about ready to sign on the dotted line. The loan officer walked out of the room, to speak with the manager and maybe to give them time to discuss the deal between them. The young couple nervously spoke and argued in an almost inaudible tone. I could tell by watching and hearing as much as I could that they were not sure this was what they wanted, but it was what they needed. They were going to do it.

I walked up to the young couple and told them, don’t do this. Walk away. The interest you are going to pay is very high. They are planning on repossessing the item, because they already have figured out that you won’t be able to make the payments. I chased them away.

Yes, they said, thank you and I was happy to know that I helped someone.

IT WASN’T MY PLACE, OH WELL!

The loan officer had been listening and he ran outside to see if he could catch the couple and bring them back to the office, but it was too late. They were gone.

Needless to say, he was very angry and on the spot he and the manager fired me. And it was a good thing, because otherwise I would have had to quit. I would not want to work in a career or for people that deceived their customers and actually hoped they would fail.

Was I sorry? Absolutely not. I felt the young couple should know the real truth before they made a decision and the loan officer was not telling the whole story.

These loan officers were concealing facts and concealing the way they do business, but it happens all the time and especially to unsuspecting people who are led by their fears. This scene is similar to situations with mortgage companies convincing people that they can afford homes that they can’t and selling them mortgages that ultimately increase interest rates and monthly payments they cannot afford.

FOR A GOOD REASON

I don’t know what happened to the young couple. Hopefully they did more research or maybe realized that saving money to buy something is the most responsible way to make purchases.

I learned to be more careful with my money. If I need to borrow, car loan or mortgage, I make sure that I understand everything, if not I ask questions. It’s reassuring to have the experience and wisdom to make better choices, even if this experience means working at lousy jobs or making mistakes.

EXERCISE

• Are you wondering why you have your job? Is it the paycheck?
• Have you ever watched unscrupulous actions of someone you’re doing business with?
• Have you ever stood up for yourself or someone around you?
• Are you willing to walk away rather than stay in an uncomfortable or dishonest situation? Even if it means giving up your paycheck?

  

PIANO ROLL BLUES

My fingers touched the keys trying to feel some familiarity, but it wasn’t there. There was silence in the parlor of the old Victorian style home of my piano teacher. I could feel everyone’s eyes on me as they waited with great expectation. I began playing. For a moment it felt that everything was okay, until I could hear whispers. I heard the music I was playing and I did not recognize it. My first thought was to run out of the room, but decided I had better finish.

I kept playing hoping that the disaster I was creating was just a dream, but I knew it wasn’t. I felt horrible and ashamed and I hoped I would never see these people again. I wasn’t sure that I could do anything right as my world came tumbling down. “I am so stupid.” I thought.

I had failed in front of my teacher, all the other students and their parents, and, what was worse I was the only one that made such a spectacle. I did not know what to expect from my parents, but I could only imagine their humiliation and shame. I was sure that my teacher was angry, but I would have to deal with her later.

I was eight and my parents wanted me to follow in my sister’s footsteps. My sister was good at playing the piano. Not only did she excel at her lessons, but she could also play by ear. I always knew when she had heard a new tune. She would run in the house, so she would not forget the tune, dash to the piano and play the song . But that was my sister.

DEJECTED AND REJECTED

When we arrived home after the recital, my parents told me that I had been on the wrong keys through the whole song. As my mother put it, ever so kindly, “That’s okay. All you need to do is sit and look pretty.” I know she wanted to console me. I did not have the talent to play the piano. I let my parents down, humiliated and disappointed them, especially my father. He had bought me several John Phillip Sousa music books thinking that I would actually play them.

It was as though there was nothing left for me to do. My goal may as well have been exactly what my mother said, to sit there and look pretty. I don’t think my parents, after the recital fiasco, believed I could do anything. They never seemed to understand that even if I couldn’t play the piano (after all not everyone can), I could do other things. To them it was the piano or nothing. The one good thing that came out of this was that I never had to play the piano again.

COMPETITION OR ENVY?

There was no doubt in my mind that my parents felt I was a loss cause. My self-esteem dropped to the lowest point. I knew I was not as good as my sister. My parents had given up hope for me.

At that point I felt rejection and I felt my parents loved my sister more. I would have to find something to prove that I was as good as my sister. But I couldn’t. My parents were not going to let me take dance classes or any other classes so I could show them something that I could do. Something that would make them proud of me.

AS THE THREAD WEAVES

I soon learned that it would be impossible to make up for the piano recital disaster. My parents had stated how they felt about my ability to play the piano, and the fact that they had wasted a lot of money on the classes I took. I was really in trouble.

I had wanted to show them by taking dance classes that I could do well and that they could be proud of me, but they would not even discuss it.

Three patterns developed from this situation: I could not do what I wanted, the money for anything I wanted would not be available to me, and I did not follow through on anything I started.

I knew I could not change their minds about dance classes, but in junior high school I wanted to try out for cheerleading. My parents seemed to have a very good memory and they reminded me of the piano recital. They also explained that the uniforms, for cheerleading were too expensive.

I had built quite a reputation based on one failed piano recital. They didn’t trust me, they didn’t believe I was worth it--nor did they believe I would follow through.

AND THE THREAD CONTINUES TO WEAVE

As I am an adult, making my own choices and decisions I find that these beliefs still have a pivotal effect on my life.

A number of years ago I decided I would take the dance classes that my parents stopped me from taking. I found that I loved to dance and excelled. Then the beliefs must have hit me in the head and heart because I came up with excuses. I decided that I didn’t have the money for the classes and the costumes. That I didn’t have the time for classes and rehearsals. In other words, my beliefs stopped me from finding creative expression and something I was good at.

The same thing happened when I went into Real Estate. I conjured up every bit of logic I could think of that would make me fail. I finally reasoned that I did not want to do it anyway, so why bother. What I should have done was to find another Real Estate Company to work for. One that would train me and had willing agents and mentors.

To prove to myself and others that I can follow through, I stay in demeaning low-paying jobs long after I know I should quit, as I am in the job I have now. It is miserable and the hours have been cut tremendously, but I keep trying to hold on.

TRANSFORMING DOUBTS

It is extremely difficult and unproductive to continue living with the restrictions my parents placed on me. Therefore, to transform and change my doubts, and the unnecessary and debilitating beliefs, I must let go of the stigma surrounding the piano recital.

I now believe that I can do whatever I want. I follow through when doing what I love. I always have enough money to provide anything that I want. I am deserving. I am worthy. I am good enough.

Writing posts for this blog is the first thing I’ve ever creatively done, enjoyed and followed through on. For me this is a very big accomplishment.

EXERCISE

• When you feel you are unduly criticized or a statement is made that lowers your self-esteem, do you believe yourself or them?
• Do you lose hope? Do you feel like giving up?
• Can you remember a time when failure consumed you?
• Are you willing to accept constructive criticism?

CODE OF SECRECY BROKEN

It was a difficult time. It was the Great Depression and I came into life here at the end of it. My mother, for some reason, decided when I was about 10 or 11 she would divulge a secret that she and my father had been keeping. She very simply and matter-of-fact said the words I will never forget. “We decided to keep you.”

Up to that moment I had no idea that they were thinking of not keeping me, so I was shocked and sad and uncertain. What did that mean? Were they going to throw me away?

It was her way of saying “We really love you a lot.” But, I couldn’t put those two sentences together to make any sense. I tried asking her questions, but she brushed them off telling me that I was too young to understand.

READY FOR THE BIG NEWS

I spent what I thought was a very long time waiting for the right time and the right age, and finally my mother gave in and explained what she meant.

In those days there was no means of safe birth control. A Lysol douche was the most effective and most dangerous, a diaphragm was neither dependable nor a guarantee. The use of a coat hanger was an extreme method. These methods were used immediately after intercourse, with the hope that they would prevent pregnancy. From what she told me, the time between when my sister was born at the beginning of the Depression, and the time at which she became pregnant with me nine years later was a horrendous period. A time during which preventing pregnancy was a dangerous and perilous journey. A man had a choice to keep a woman from getting pregnant. If this choice was not exercised, then the burden was left to the woman.

It was the Great Depression. The depression was a dreadful time. People were out of work, and there was not enough food or shelter. Men lost their jobs, and this was difficult because at that time, men were the breadwinners, men headed the families, and if they did not have a way to make money, to take care of those they loved, they felt shame and disgrace. My father had been out of work for a period of time, and my mother found a job as a banquet service employee, setting tables and serving food. My sister was sent to live with an aunt during the worse of times. It was all my parents could do to take care of even themselves.

I tried to understand what she was telling me, but even in my teens I didn’t fully grasp the reality of what was happening during those years and the way it affected my family.

IN THAT INSTANT

Who could know what would have happened had I not been born? Had they decided not to keep me? But, the way I look at it is, the only way I would not have been born is if I had changed my mind. We choose our parents for the lessons and experiences that we know they will give us.

My mother may have used everything she could to prevent pregnancy at the time of intercourse, but I still would have been born to them. In the instant the decision was made, it was the only decision. I already knew and had decided that these people would be my parents.

I learned that, from their perspective, deciding to keep me meant the same thing as loving me. I was afraid of doing something wrong and of not being perfect all the time, because I figured that if I didn’t live up to what they expected, they wouldn’t love me and could reconsider their decision at any time. It is, of course, impossible to be perfect all the time.

Regardless of the tough lessons and experiences, this is what I needed for this lifetime. I chose them to teach me lessons in freedom and independence, and I am still learning. My parents, my father especially, wanted me to have freedom and not work for someone else. He also wanted me to make a lot of money. Freedom and wealth are what he wanted for himself and could never make it happen. They wanted the best for me in the only way they knew how. It wasn’t until recently that I realized how important this is for me and how I wish I had asked my father more questions about what he thought I should do.

Some of their messages are unusable, and I catch myself still using them (such as, “You don’t have what it takes”), with negative effects. I now take control of my life by reminding myself, when I am doing something I know they would disapprove of, that I do have what it takes to do and be what I want, and even if I don’t, the choice to BE remains with me.

EXERCISES

• Do you know if you were planned or unplanned?
• How does this knowledge affect the way you view your life and your parents?
• How does it affect the way you have planned your own family?
• Do you believe we choose our own parents?

WALKING AN UNPLANNED PATH

I made a new choice very different from what I had intended when I graduated from high school. Rather than the higher education that my Mother and Father wanted for me or the fashion design college that I wanted, I traveled a very different route. A route that I did not research or plan out. I would get a job.

That would not have been so bad, had I fully understood what a job would entail. Up to that point my experience in a job was working part-time in a dime store in my junior and senior years. I never considered it anything other than the way to pay for a car. Yet my boss had me pass over the older women, the ones who had been there far longer than I, to do the bookkeeping in the office and to decorate the windows every week with new sale items. This was hardly the foundation for knowing what it would be like to work at a job for the rest of my life. The only thing I enjoyed was the window decorating. I did not just enjoy it, I loved it. I was so proud of my displays in the window especially as I stood across the street and appraised my work.

Here I was, eighteen years old and trying to figure out a job for the rest of my life. I knew I did not want to work retail anymore. I would, I decided, do work in an office. This was an interesting idea because I had no idea what people in offices did. I just knew that an office would have to be better than a store.
So, off I went trying out a few jobs, not quite happy in any of them, but at least learning and making a little money.

WAS THIS WHAT I WANTED?

I tried to feel good about what I was doing, but finding a job and being happy in the job were two very different things. It seemed I was not going have both at the same time.

Mostly I was bored, the work seemed tedious and repetitious regardless of what I was doing. An office job was not that great and I soon found that being confined five days a week to the inside of a building was depressing. How could anyone be happy looking at four walls, pieces of paper, files and a pen and pencil?

I kept changing jobs looking for some oasis in a desert, and it wasn’t happening.

THIS IS IT

After awhile my outlook changed. I knew this was my chosen path and I would find the best job I could, no matter how many tries I made. I believed I would find the job that would become a career for me. I believed I would be happy in the job I loved. How could that not be true? Here I was ambitious, talented and intelligent and determined to make a successful life for myself. It was a change that I had not made plans for, but it was one in which I knew I would figure it out for myself.

Eventually my inner being, to bring me peace of mind, accepted my role as an employee. It wasn’t that I was happy with my choice of any job, but it was the fact that this was my choice and I knew I had to make the best of it. But why? I knew I wasn’t fulfilled. I could feel that I was missing something, that there was a void in my life. Then I realized that as simply as I made a choice to get a job, I could also make a choice to do what I loved. This shift in energy allowed me to understand that the time has now come to change my choices.

I now look first to what I love to do and there are several things that I not only love, but that I do well. It is a matter of deciding which choice to make and changing my life. I am complete only when I am fulfilled and this is my first consideration when I now make a choice to change the work I do.

EXERCISE

• Have you been on a path that was not only unfamiliar, but uncomfortable, too?
• Decide how you can make this work for you, at least for the time being.
• List ways in which you can change the choices you once made.
• Begin to implement a new choice.

THE SUPPOSED TO BE SYNDROME

This is where you are supposed to be.

This is what you are supposed to be doing.

This is whom you are supposed to be.

I am compressed in this one little package and I have lost my independence.

If you are supposed to be, then how could you be good enough as is?

Having said all this it very simply means that those around us, family, friends, co-workers and even acquaintances, put us in a special package with a tightly secure and knotted rope.

Once this package is securely around us this then is the way we are supposed to live. No surprises. That would never do. This package makes those around us feel comfortable, secure and safe. They know at all times where we are, what we are doing, who we are and what we are thinking. They don’t have to guess. They don’t have to search for us.

Here we are in our neat little package, unable to express ourselves, unable to create, unable to move about. We never dare to speak out and express our opinions. That is completely unheard of in our little world of ‘supposed to’.

AN ATTEMPTED ESCAPE

I was in a, ‘supposed to be’ role with my second husband. I was working at a company in which there was an opportunity to advance into a different position. It meant doing work that had more responsibility, the potential for more money, and eventually a little freedom. To do this I would have to take a test. I told him about this after dinner and in the company of a very good friend of his.

Instead of him feeling excited and supportive he told me that I would never be able to pass the test. This is when his friend became angry and told him, that I could pass the test and he should not speak to me this way. I appreciated what his friend said, and my husband was astonished at his friend taking my side, but the damage was done. That’s how fragile I was. Once I heard his words, I knew I had made a mistake. I had angered him and I had to step back into the ‘supposed to be’ place.

There is no way out, unless we reach out and untie the knot in the rope and make our escape. But this is not so easy. We have been in our, ‘supposed to be’ state for many years, maybe even all our lives. It is very scarey to step out and try something new. We find ourselves returning to our package, retying the rope, even without their help.

MEN I DATED AND THE MEN I MARRIED

The many men in my life all put me in a package of ‘supposed to be’. They left me there to fend for myself, knowing that they held the key to my freedom. If I even so dared to attempt to be me, or express my opinion they let me know exactly how they felt and told me how I was to act and talk. It was many times that I was told to not express my opinion. It made them feel uncomfortable if I were to have an opinion different than theirs.

I had my own values at a very young age. I knew what I would accept, and what I would not. I set the values for myself and did not expect anyone to follow in my footsteps. I also did not expect anyone to try to change me.

WAS HE RIGHT OR. . . . . .

I didn’t believe for a moment that I could not pass the test. I knew that his friend was right and I appreciated that he stood up for me, but it was not the time for gloating. I had stepped out of place. My husband’s ego would not let him accept the fact that I could possibly be equal to him. I would have a chance to leave my, ‘supposed to be’ position and this was not acceptable. It scared him.

My husband was a stockbroker and I was going to take the test to have the same career as his. Not because this was my original plan, but because the opportunity arose. I worked at a brokerage company, not the company he was at, as a sales assistant to five stockbrokers. I took the job because it was a different type of company than any other job I had worked at. I learned after working there that once a year, according to senority, a sales assistant would have the opportunity to study and take the test to be a stockbroker.

I did what he probably hoped for and maybe expected and backed down. I turned down the opportunity and gave up the possibility of changing my way of making money and the amount of money I made. There was no reason to continue working there, no other way for advancement and the money was not enough to entice me to stay. I left the job a few months later. This choice was not necessarily a good one, simply because I did not have another choice in mind. When leaving or ending something having a choice of what you are going to do next and a plan of how you are going to achieve your goal is absolutely mandatory. I did not change my way of working or making money, I simply stayed on the same plane and got another job.

Did what he say affect me? Of course, it did, but the choice I made affected me even more so. When I gave in I, also, gave up. Having someone tell me I can’t, accepting it and giving up and giving in is not a quality in me that I like.

A few months later it seemed that everything wrong with this marriage increased in magnitude. I was angry because I let him manipulate me. I saw him in a different light and I didn’t like what I saw, therefore we separated and I divorced him. My choice was to be single and for me this was a good choice.

Actually I am quite proud that I have opinions and that I am stepping out of my ‘supposed to be’ pattern. In its place I am becoming me and adapting to my new freedom. Gradually I am learning that in stepping out of a ‘supposed to be’ place, I am safe. I am accepting that I can do what I want, regardless of how others feel. Taking this step gives me a feeling of power. Facing the fear and anger directed toward me by the person that feels I’m betraying them, is a big step. The fact I am making the choice to tell a few people that I am writing and not backing down if I hear negative responses, is huge for me. By doing this I am announcing more emphatically that I am a writer and I push forward more focused than ever.

EXERCISE

• Have you found yourself in a, ‘supposed to be’ situation?
• How did you react?
• List the ways in which you can change and gradually break free without upsetting the other individual. Is it really necessary (or possible) to not upset the other person?
• How can you take steps to implement one of these changes today ?

I DIDN’T SEE IT COMING

Do you slide into old habits, not realizing you have, until it’s too late? I did. Just recently. This pattern is so subtle that I knew it was happening, but I didn’t feel the urgency to stop and make adjustments.

The telltale signs that my body was retaining fat and flab startled me. I wasn’t feeling confident and sure of myself as is the result of working on my core area. What happened?

It only took a few minutes to register that I had quit exercising. I had quit doing Pilates five or six mornings a week. My dance teacher called me the other day reminding me of her classes that I had not been attending. I do a total of three to six dance classes a week and had stopped completely.

I know my body needs a lot of continual movement in order for me to feel good and other than shoveling the snow a number of times, I had quit all other forms of taking care of my body. Worse, yet I was consuming more fat and a lot of sugar. Wow!

IT WAS AN INSIDE JOB

Having time was not the issue. I work part time and even fewer hours lately. There wasn’t a physical reason that kept me from exercising.  It was though, the fact that I felt I could not at this time spend any time on me.

Although, I did let my fewer hours at my job, meaning less income, to deter my going to dance classes, which cost under $5.00 an hour. I can reduce my amount of dance classes to two or three.  Can’t say I have that same excuse for Pilates, since I have a Pilates video at home.

Every once in a while what I want and need becomes nonessential. It’s as though I feel I am not worthy and to live up to that feeling, I stop doing good things for me. It happened again. It’s not the time or the money. It is though, the feeling that I am not worthy, I am not good enough. I can make up any excuse I want, but it is how I feel about me that actually makes me stop.

OH, THOSE WORDS AGAIN

Could it be my mother’s words? Was this message creeping up on me again?

She had emphatically told me that to keep a happy home, the most important person in your life is the man you’re married to, then your children and if you have anything left over, I’m assuming she meant time, money and energy, it is for you. I steadfastly lived by this motto. As I watched my mother this is what she did, so I chose to do it also.

Yes, my mother believed she was last in her family, but she was also clever. She married a man who made a good income and she knew how to manage the money. She saved without needing to skimp. When she decided it was time to have what she wanted, she had the money set aside. She went to the most expensive department store to buy her clothes and for my treat of the day we had lunch in the exquisite dining room on the top floor of the building.

She did though leave out a very important part, teaching me to be clever.

THE RESULTS

Even though occasionally I need to remind myself to exercise and eat healthy, I can do it so much easier as long as I believe that I deserve to have a strong, slim and healthy body.

I now put myself first as it is essential for my well-being. I intend to be healthy and in a good place mentally and emotionally so that if the need arises I can take care of others.

EXERCISE

•  Think of a situation with which you’re currently dissatisfied
•  What messages can you recall from earlier in your life that might have contributed to   this situation?
•  Ask yourself if these messages are still valid.
•  If they are not, let them go!
•  Think of positive messages to replace the old ones and say them to yourself every day.

REALITY WORE A BLACK LEATHER JACKET

After a delightful lunch at our favorite restaurant, my friend and I did our usual shopping (for me it was limited to window shopping) at the mall. On that day, since it was a little chilly, what better way to keep warm than to wear the leather jacket she had given me. She had explained to me that the jacket was too large for her and she felt it was too nice to just give away. I’ve always wanted a leather jacket and, not knowing when I would have the money to buy one for myself, I accepted. It was even too small for me, but that didn’t matter, I just didn’t button it.

Still, though it was a hand-me-down. It belonged to her and I felt no pride of ownership. After all, I did not spend my money to buy it. Which is probably why I felt so ashamed when my friend and I ran into an acquaintance of hers. The lady complimented me on the jacket, I could feel my friend’s eyes on me as she waited for me to do what I know I should have. I could not force myself to tell her that my friend had given it to me, that it was a hand-me-down. It was in that moment that I didn’t know which was worse: wearing a hand-me-down, something that she no longer wanted, or telling a lie by omission.

THIS THING ABOUT HAND-ME-DOWNS

Maybe it was how I felt at the time, vulnerable and a little needy. Money was not flowing abundantly into my life so I felt left out, secluded from the way I would like to have been living. This was not a way that I enjoy or would want anyone to know about, but there I was, graciously accepting a hand-me down that I was offered. It meant I did not have the money to go out and buy the item, and I said yes, when I really wanted to say no. It makes me feel poor to accept hand-me-downs even from the best of friends and family.

I, on one hand, realize that what they’ve done is a nice gesture. On the other hand, it reminds me of my precarious financial situation. I am financially unable to buy the new clothes that I want, that actually fit me and reflect the style that I like, and they know it. It’s another reminder that I am not in the place that I want to be in financially, not yet anyway. I know what it is and I see it off in the distance, but I’m not there.

If I accept the hand-me-downs, no matter how good they are or how expensive they were when they were new, I am still settling for less. This is because I know that I have, in that moment, lost my independence. They are acting in good faith, wanting to do something for me, and there may even be a tinge of pity involved.

A STARK VIEW OF REALITY

Could I have felt oversensitive when it was nothing more than the fact that she couldn’t wear it? When my friend had no ulterior motive, only a desire for me to have her jacket? Could it be that my feeling bad or ashamed was not a rational reaction?

I realize that for a very long time I’ve been worried about finding a way to make the amount of money it will take to keep me from having to worry about not having enough. Because of this worry that is always at the forefront in my mind, negative thoughts are abundant. I’ve stopped believing in the positive. In the moment when my friend and I ran into her acquaintance, I had forgotten that I do have the power to make new choices, to change my thoughts which will then change my life.

I felt powerless, and so I was sensitive to the fact that someone else, a stranger, may see that I am a phony. That I don’t have money that I act like I have, that I do at times need to accept a hand-me-down, that a friend will buy my lunch and that I am not as perfect as I would like everyone to believe.

But, I realized most of that it is perfectly okay. Because I do have the power to change my life, and there will be a time that I will be there to help my friend, to do special things for her.

EXERCISES

• Can you think of instances in which negative thoughts were controlling you and your life?
• What thoughts are you thinking now? Are they making you feel bad in some way?
• Are you willing to choose better and more productive thoughts?
• Change your thoughts and change your life.

WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?

It happened many years ago when I was a teenager. My age and inexperience didn’t stop me. First, I should explain that my parents were much older when I was born, so for me, I sometimes thought of them as my grandparents.

In this particular instance I had gone with my parents so that my father could buy a new car. He insisted on buying a new car every two to three years and it was now time.

Having decided which car he wanted we sat down at the salesman’s desk to finalize the deal. I remember the salesman telling my father about all the gadgets that he could get on the car, and with each gadget the price was going up.

I HAD TO SAY SOMETHING

I sat quietly, listening intently to every word that the salesman said, until something in me bubbled over or maybe it just exploded. The price kept going up and the gadgets were unnecessary and my parents were about to say yes when I interrupted their conversation with an adamant no.

I, stood up and not so quietly, told the salesman exactly what I thought of him and his sales tactics. I knew that my parents did not need everything he was trying to sell them, nor did they need to pay the exorbitant amount that the cost had risen to. I knew it wasn’t right.

After my explosion my parents and I left the building. Honestly, I don’t know where this outburst came from, but I felt I had to protect them.

EXCESSIVE PRESSURE FROM AUTHORITY FIGURES

Definitely the salesman was in a place of authority and used it to his advantage. This was his job, this is what he was paid to do. I don’t feel anyone of authority has the right to take advantage of another person who for whatever reason, does not or cannot stand up for themselves. I felt this way then and I still do.

My intuition, my inner self or whatever you want to call it seems to innately know when someone is being taken advantage of. Even at that young age. I protected my parents, my children and animals from anyone who intends to do them wrong.

When I recall this incident, I think of how my parents may have felt. Maybe they thought I was out of line, but I did it. I couldn’t change it and I wouldn’t have, not then and not now.

I felt they needed to be protected, because they were getting ready to sign on the dotted line. They seemed to not see what the salesman was doing and I didn’t want them to end up with a very expensive bad deal. This was also at the time that my father may have been at the beginning stage of some health issues. Did that influence his decision making? Maybe, but nevertheless it still was not right.

IT WAS A GOOD THING

We left that dealership and went to another where my parents did purchase a new car that we drove home in. Did the salesman try to take advantage of them? No. Were my parents upset with me? No. They thanked me for helping them and I felt proud and powerful. I knew when I spoke up that I was doing the right thing. I can use my voice to make changes.

The one thing I learned about myself is that I do have the innate ability to make powerful and wise suggestions to others. You see, this wasn’t planned. I did not leave the house thinking that I would have to watch over my parents and make sure they will not be pressured or cheated. I acted on what was happening in that moment.

EXERCISE

• Have you been in a precarious situation in which you knew you needed to say something?
• List the times you knew you should have said something, but didn’t.
• Would you do differently now?

CHANGE YOUR WORDS, CHANGE YOUR LIFE

When I was a little girl, I carried a small block of wood in my pocket to remind me that I was a blockhead. That is how severe my belief was in what my father thought I was. That block of wood was shorthand for the word that I then took on as part of my identity. I knew I was smart and creative, but my ideas did not conform to my father’s. The fact that we were both strong willed did not help and often he became frustrated with me, thus the name calling.

I lost my sense of center, my belief in becoming whom I wanted to be. I came away from my relationship with my parents believing I wasn’t good enough for everything I wanted in life. I believed I did not have what it took to create that life for myself.

Starting at the age of 18, I made some bad choices. Rather than improving, the conditions of my life only got worse. For a long time, I ignored the impact these choices were having, and continued to blindly pursue activities that were not in alignment with who I really was. For example, I continued to work in jobs for which I had no passion. I ignored how important money would become.

BETTER CHOICES

While recognizing that work has the ability to provide freedom, independence and wealth, I have also seen that working for someone else can be limiting. That is why I made the commitment to become self-reliant and truly free, independent, and prosperous. I’m trying to have freedom and have control over my life instead of just letting my life happen. I consistently work at making better choices.

For me, the path to this self-reliance is writing. I’ve determined that I want to feel passion toward my work, to work from my home, to schedule my own time, to have freedom and independence and to be independently wealthy for the rest of my life. With writing as my work I can have all of this.

LEAVING BLAME BEHIND

I have committed to leaving behind the pattern of blaming others. Blaming any situation or someone or something is ineffectual, and leaves me feeling even more hopeless. By taking command of my life-the good and the bad-I have options and I have a sense of control.

THE POWER OF WORDS

I have learned that changing words and thoughts also changes feelings and thus begins the process of action toward goals. So, instead of “blockhead,” each day I bring to mind words like “artist,” “creativity,” “passion,” “freedom,” and “choice.” As I continue on this journey, I will continue to chart my path by carefully choosing my words.

EXERCISE

• State your goals and desires in a positive, present, matter-of-fact manner. For example, “I am a self-employed engineer working from my home, with many clients who always pay on time.” This will bring about results as long as these goals and desires are consistent with your abilities, talents and intelligence.
• Be consistent in your desires and abilities. Repeat them to yourself several times each day. This is mandatory to getting the results that you want.
• Forgive yourself for past choices. As long as you are attached to the choices you made in the past, you will always live by them.

POVERTY: JUST A STATE OF MIND?

The lady tossed her keys on the counter, the emblem shining brightly taunting me with the realization that she drove a luxury car. The quick movement startled me, the clanking noise abruptly changed my thoughts. I couldn’t take my eyes off her keys. I knew this happened for a purpose and the purpose struck me as one in which I should take notice. She obviously was proud of her ability to own a car of such stature.

The set of keys still lay on the counter in front of us as I asked her to wait a moment while I checked the price on an item she was purchasing as I thought it might be on sale. She told me, “No. Don’t bother checking. I prefer to pay full price.”

In the light of everyone I knew, and everyone whoever walked in or shopped in the store this was very unusual. They all wanted a deal, they all wanted to pay less than the discounted price, and they weren’t ashamed to say so.

WHAT AN INFLUENCE!

Not only was this lady boldly exhibiting the fact that she had money and could prove it with the car she owned, but also that she did what most everyone does not and that is to establish the fact that she owned the mind-set of being wealthy. Not one ounce of her exuded a near-poverty belief. She was the epitome of a wealthy mind-set and I had the opportunity to witness it up-front and close.

IT SEEMED NORMAL TO ME

I grew up in a family that had money and they spent it on what they needed and wanted. My Father had a good job that paid well, my mother did not work outside the home and she had the innate ability to manage their money.

My life as a child in my family meant that my father bought a new car every two to three years. My mother bought her clothes at an expensive department store in Denver equivalent to Nordstrom’s. We had the best food and the best meals. My mother, for our Sunday dinner would prepare a five-course meal beginning with a shrimp or oyster cocktail. When we had our farm, my father insisted that our cattle be grass fed with the most healthy grains added. With all this, my mother still managed to save money and we lived well.

The only time that I remember rejection was when I had asked my parents to buy me a sweater like that of one of my friend’s, and I was told it was too expensive. That having been the only refusal to my requests seems innocuous in my thoughts now.

My life in my family seemed quite easy financially, and this was a pattern that would have been my way of life going forward. But because of choices I made, because of a crucial turning point that I am responsible for my life started in a different direction. This was a direction in which I could never have imagined the results.

THEN I LEARNED SOMETHING DIFFERENTLY

For me, though, I was sidetracked from my dream of being a costume designer by my parents, and had to quickly make other choices. I did not research and plan for my future. I settled for getting a job and did not know what to expect. This lack of planning ultimately turned out to be very foolish. I didn’t know if I would like working at a job for the rest of my life, but I made the choice and knew I would have to live with it.

Maybe I was following in my father’s footsteps since as children we learn from what we see before us. Whatever the reasons this began my foundation as an adult. Since I did not have a dream job to plan my life around, I set myself up for failure without my realizing it.

INTERNAL COMBUSTION

I learned how to struggle financially since this is what I saw around me. After I married, I learned even more since all of our neighbors and friends were struggling. This is where I learned poverty thoughts, where determination turned into failure.

Watching all that was going on around me I soon learned that men went to work, disliked their jobs and never earned enough money, while women stayed home, raised children and became the ultimate homemaker.

I learned from my best friend and neighbor how to can peaches, pickles, jam, and beets. I learned how to make clothes for my children so I would not spend so much money at the store. I love doing creative and artistic things so cooking and sewing are even now quite enjoyable, but that was not all that I was learning. I was learning near-poverty thinking because all of this was not the act itself, but the reason for doing it. To save money, not to spend so much money or to believe that there was not enough money to do and have all that I wanted.

I learned to struggle. Struggle, became the name of the game, but we never called it that. It actually was entrapment in a way of life that we could not get out of. We all believed the same. We did not believe in wealth or living in a way that would induce wealth, we believed we would struggle in near-poverty for the rest of our lives.

A WAY OUT

Except for my friend who canned peaches and sewed with me. One day she came to the realization that no one was going to take care of her. That she would be responsible for taking care of herself and she made a choice to change her life by changing the way she made money and the amount of money she made.

CONFLICTING THOUGHTS

Words and actions that create a lack-of, continuous worry and struggles need to be changed to those that create prosperity, confidence and freedom. You are changing thoughts that are natural to your way of thinking and that fit the pattern that you are familiar with, to thoughts that are conducive to the way a wealthy person would think. It only takes seconds to change the thoughts running through your mind.

A wealthy person would not need or even think of using coupons when shopping or eating in a restaurant, after all, that would not contribute to being wealthy. Remember that with wealth there is freedom and you are not free if you are confined to the worry of not enough money and to using coupons. Instead you are continually worrying about having enough money for the food you are buying, therefore your mind-set is of poverty.

MY FREEING THOUGHTS

I had a friend who has since passed on, say to me one day. “I have so much money that I could never spend it all.” This coming from a man who I remember some 30 years’ prior was struggling to make his company successful and make enough money to survive. These were words that astonished me when he said them, but I also wondered how it would feel if I were in a financial position to say those same words.

I now choose my thoughts, choose what I want to think in the very moment. There is an instantaneous change in the way my body feels when I change my thoughts. If I am concerned or think about how much an item costs, I quickly change this thought. I can go from worry to wealth consciousness in a fraction of a second and it is breathtaking. I know this way of thinking is changing my life right now, as I write this.

I keep what he said in my thoughts, often. These words are even more powerful because this is someone I knew, and he said this to me not because he was boasting, but because it was a fact.

EXERCISE

• Are you thinking thoughts of near-poverty?
• List messages of struggle and lack of that are now a part of the way you think and live.
• Ask yourself if these messages are still valid.
• If not, then let them go.
• Incorporate new wealth-based messages into your thoughts.

RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME

It didn’t sound like me in the least and when she made the suggestion I thought it was ludicrous, regardless of her reasons. She kept insisting, getting in my face with the idea repeatedly. Finally I gave in. I told her I would go to school and get my Real Estate License. This was my best friend. We lived a few houses from each other, our children played together and within a short period of time we were both divorced and single moms trying to find our way in an era that still believed in lifetime marriages.

She had found a way to have some freedom and make as much money as she wanted. In Real Estate it is your business, to a certain point. You still work under a Broker, and you do split the commission, but it is completely different from my idea of working in an office doing a job, and being paid a certain amount, which was never enough, for a certain amount of hours.

I know she was thinking of my well-being. Trying to make sure that I understood the benefits of being a Real Estate Agent, of having freedom and the potential of making a lot of money. It would be more than I was making in an office, as long as I was willing to work hard selling houses. She assured me this was the absolute best choice to make. It must be, she loved it and from what I can remember she was doing well financially.

RELUCTANTLY I TOOK THE FIRST STEP

I agreed to follow in her advice and attended a Real Estate College in preparation to take the State examination. We were told that the test was difficult and most did not pass the first time. It was pretty common to have to take the test a second or third time. When I was told that, I thought to myself, no way am I going back to school to study for a second or third time. I’ll pass it the first time. And I did, barely. But I did it. This was a huge turning point for me and gradually I became more excited, and a little bit overwhelmed.

HOW RUDE!

The next step was to ‘hang’ your license at a Real Estate office. I decided to go to the office that my friend worked from. In I went all proud and ready, for what I had no idea. I sat down and talked to the Broker thinking that all went well and I assumed it did for he agreed to let me start. What I didn’t know, until my friend volunteered the information, was that he didn’t think I would make it as a Real Estate Agent. I wonder why my friend felt the need to tell me.

It burst my bubble. I thought I was wonderful. I thought I could handle anything and I thought I could easily learn to be a successful agent. Obviously, I was mistaken and he knew I would fail. I began doubting myself, doubting my abilities and wondering why I was there. My fragile self-esteem was taking a nosedive.

I knew I had to do something and do it quickly. My job had ended, actually the company had moved out of state so there I was a single mom with two kids, a mortgage and all the other expenses, and a small amount of money to tide me over. I was excited to get started selling houses, that is until this man offered his opinion and said I would fail.

I knew I had to keep my spirits up. I tried to find someone in the office that could help and teach me. Even my friend did not have time to help me. She already had a partner and was extremely busy being an agent.

They suggested that new agent’s partner with other new agents. That meant that two people who knew nothing about working the field were partnered. It was not an ideal situation and actually led to a lot of frustration. Now I understand why Real Estate has such a high turnover of new sales agents. No one tells them or shows them what to do. They are just told to go out and list homes or work with buyers. Sure they give a few hints, but if you have never sold anything to a stranger and don’t know how to close a sale it can be both overwhelming and frustrating. When I started out, I had no idea what they meant when they said ‘close a sale’.

I PICKED UP MY SELF-ESTEEM AND DUSTED IT OFF

I had to have an income and after a period of time I was not earning as much as I needed, so it was up to me to decide what I was going to do. I had to let it go and get on with my life, that much I knew.

I may not have been successful in Real Estate, but later on I did learn to sell. It was at a diet center where you were taught to close the sale, you role-played until you dreamed the scenario, and in the end, I was very successful. With this information I am sure, if I do decide to go back into Real Estate, I will use it to my advantage. I also will spend more time searching for a Broker, one who will be supportive of my willing to be successful.

What it did for me was to let me touch base with that part of me that was my innate ability to sell. I just needed guidance and support.

EXERCISE

• Talk to anyone who is in the business that interests you, those who are seasoned and those who are just getting started.
• Specifically ask questions about the methods they use to prepare you for success; the guidance they offer, hands-on training or a mentor.
• Tell them you are interested in doing what they do and would like to ask them questions, over a cup of coffee or lunch.
• Create questions in advance that focus on the realities of what it takes to become successful in that business.
• If possible tell them you would be willing to volunteer to learn the business.

SAY IT ISN’T SO

It was the time in my life in which I would make a life changing decision as does everyone who is about to graduate from high school. With brochures and an application in hand from Bauder College of Fashion Design located in Dallas, Texas I, with unwavering confidence and absolute joy, presented them to my parents. They wanted me to go to college so I assumed they would be happy and that when I came home, they would have read through the brochures and put their signatures in their perspective places. My dream would have taken its first step to reality.

I couldn’t have been more wrong. It wasn’t until I was in school that day did I realize the negative impact my decision would have not only on my parents, but the school educators, also. I was called into the Principal’s office welcomed by a group consisting of the Principal, Vice Principal, Dean of Boys and Dean of Girls, who informed me of my parents’ concern. They were convinced I was making a very bad and unreasonable choice and they were going to change my mind. When that failed, they called a professor at the University of Denver who would later send his assistant to take me to meet with him. They were being logical, I was being emotional and we were at a standoff. I knew what I wanted, without a doubt. I also knew what would not work for me and no convincing or manipulating would change my mind.

This was a major turning point in my life. Without realizing it I was going to be traveling down a devastating and destructive path. A path that would affect the rest of my life.

MY DESIGNING DREAM

I had known since I was eight that I would be a designer. It was all I wanted to do and all I spent my spare time doing. When my older sister took me to the movies, we were the last to leave. We waited until the list of credits came on, the title Costume Designer and the name Edith Head. It was at this point that I visualized seeing my name in print in place of Edith Head. This was before the self-help books were available and told us how to visualize. I just knew this was the path I was meant to be on.

Still, to this day I notice a warm feeling in the pit of my stomach when I look at a sketch that a designer has made. It is a calm feeling. It is a feeling that I am safe that I am home. I wish it were I sketching the dresses, coats and hats, but it isn’t. So I let it go.

WHAT REALLY HAPPENED

I had been elected to the National Honor Society and mostly my grades were very good, so with this in mind, my father expected me to go to college. He wanted me to become what he could never achieve. He wanted me to study business, and become wealthy buying and selling my own houses. There was nothing wrong with what he wanted for me, except I wanted something different. And what I wanted was to the extreme opposite of his plans for me. What I wanted and needed was the freedom to make my own decisions and choices and to feel good about these decisions and choices.

I should have known that he would never agree on my studying the arts, of any sort. My fathers twin brother was an artist and had the honor of studying at Walt Disney’s studio. I remember the loud arguments that my mother and father would have with him. They telling him, he would never make it as an artist, that he would have to get a job. He did give up and give in and I saw a very sad man. My sister could play piano by ear, but she was never encouraged to continue. Instead of pursuing my dream, I made a conscious choice to work for someone else and then to eventually marry.

I had obeyed my parents as best I could, appeasing their appetite for controlling me and kept my dreams to myself. I had never discussed this with them, knowing that if they knew ahead of time that would have squelched my idea immediately.

A DEFEATIST ATTITUDE

There is a message that creates a pattern in my life. It is a self-defeating pattern that goes something like this. “If you don’t let me do what I want, I will show you just how miserable I will be.” I must have thought they would take pity on me and give in. It didn’t happen and with that kind of attitude how could I not be miserable. This message set me up for a pattern of giving up and giving in. I knew I was not good enough to fulfill my dreams.

WAS THERE A COMPROMISE IN THE OFFING?

Were my father and mother disappointed? Of course, but then so was I.

Had my father been the man who would listen to my opinions, who would take the time to discuss what I wanted, possibly he might have been able to discourage me from being a designer, and at that point it would have been my idea. Instead he would become angry, turn red, raise his voice and demand I do what he told me. He was domineering and it was impossible to have a discussion with him. It was his way or no way. My mother would call him a bullheaded Englishman. There were times when my mother would intercede and convince him to let me have my way, but this time my mother was on his side.

I decided I would not attend college. Instead I would get a job which would lead to a succession of jobs, all lackluster, dead-end and low-paying, some even demeaning. After setting myself on this path, because it was the result of a choice I made, I then decided to get married and have children. I never felt that there could be any other choice, any other path to be on. I had made my decision and that was it. There were children to be raised and they became my sole purpose.

My parents reluctantly accepted my decisions and never again brought up the subject of college. I’m sure they realized that there was nothing more they could do. We remained close, and I watched over them until their deaths. Even after they died and to this day their messages are ever-present and tend to control my decisions and choices. I have been forever angry that I could not follow my dream, but I never told them how I felt. Maybe being a designer would not have been what I wanted, but I was never allowed to find out for myself and that would have been a part of growing up.

WHAT I LEARNED

That there can be new choices and new endings. I did not have to choose to completely give up my dream, but rather change how I would make my dream a reality.

I kept my desires and dreams to myself. No one knew that after graduating from school I also studied to be a model. I knew that if I told my parents they would never support me, so why take away the joy I found in applying make-up, in walking, in colors and the other classes, even though I ended it before I could be successful. No one knew that I dreamed of dancing on Broadway in New York. The people I confide in are those who are in the creative arts field.

Now I know that by telling myself repeatedly that I can do everything I want, that I am an intelligent woman, that I am creative and artistic is my way of becoming successful. I tell myself I’m going to do it (whatever I’ve chosen to do) no matter what. I must stay focused on what I want and follow my chosen path.

Ultimately, I learned that I have to change the messages I received from my parents so that the patterns will change. The messages they gave me led me to believe that I wasn’t good enough, that my ideas are worthless, that I don’t have what it takes to do what I want. This is how they controlled and manipulated me into doing what they wanted. This is how I failed at being me.

FROM THAT MOMENT ON

Most noticeable major changes or turning points in my life were my two divorces. Another time later in my life was when I decided to take creative and artistic classes, watercolor painting, dancing, acting and voice. I did not have any plans beyond taking classes, although I did do two local TV commercials.

I made a choice to stop dating for a period of time because I was using relationships and marriage as a replacement for denying my creative and artistic self.  Until I changed, it seemed unadvisable that I become involved.

Now I have made a choice to end my pattern of ‘getting a job’, working for someone else, on their schedule, their pay. An end to depending on a job to give me what I want and need, because it can’t, it never will. I desperately need my freedom and the freedom of making choices and decisions. I will have to learn to use my freedom because for me it never came easily.

There is no way around it, if your life is going to be different you have to make a choice to change it. Anytime you doubt the choice, anytime you feel uncertain, anytime you feel you need someone to assure you that you’ve made the right decision and choice, you weaken your ability to be successful.

THE GOOD RESULTS

Taking dance classes such as tap, ballet and jazz gave me much needed confidence, but also the ability to reach out much further, to succeed beyond my expectations. Dancing affects not only your feet, but your entire body and mind. You learn to center and ground yourself and this makes you feel and step with the music. Once you feel this confidence it stays with you all day, every day.

EXERCISE

• A body/mind related activity such as dancing, or any type of sport is going to teach you to be   grounded.    It will teach you that you can do more than you ever thought you could. It will give you confidence in all of your daily experiences. Start small and move up, but get yourself moving.
• Forgive those who tended to restrict our dreams and desires. These people showed us our strengths to make choices of our own.
• Determine what you want to do, what you love, what you dream of and find a way to do it. Allow yourself the freedom to have fun and enjoy whatever activity you choose.

A SMILE A DAY PAVED THE WAY

As a child I was told I was shy, so I assumed this must be a problem since I was continually reminded of this flaw. I grew up with a father who believed there were no strangers, that everyone is your friend. I watched him as he waved or spoke to everyone whether he knew them or not. To be like my father seemed difficult and scarey for me, but if he could do it, so could I.

HOW MUCH FUN CAN IT BE?

I decided to put myself into a situation in which I was surrounded by strangers, a busy downtown street. Then I walked among these strangers holding my head high and looking into their eyes as they passed me on the street. After I succeeded at this and found that no one would hurt or even scare me, I added on a smile. The earth shattering part faded and after practice it became easy and natural. In my mind I assured myself that I would be safe, that this wasn’t so hard. I then realized that this was fun, genuinely fun.

MAKING SENSE OUT OF IT

How was I to ever understand myself if I couldn’t communicate with others? How could I fulfill my dreams if I was too afraid to look beyond my own two feet? By taking control of this area of my life I knew I could do anything I wanted. From this exercise in courage, I received the confidence to speak up, to ask for what I want, to stand up for myself, to do things that without this courage would have remained impossible dreams.

POWERFUL CHANGES

I took command of my life. I took back my power. I changed this part of my life, by changing how I believed, how I perceived a stranger. Change your actions along with your thoughts. The combination is dynamite.

Exercises

• Choose something that you would like to do, or someone who does something that you would like to emulate. Those in our lives are there to teach us, we just have to notice and allow.
• Decide how you can do this, how you can fit it into your life.
• Then practice. New habits can only be formed if they are repeated and become part of your daily regimen.