PIANO ROLL BLUES

My fingers touched the keys trying to feel some familiarity, but it wasn’t there. There was silence in the parlor of the old Victorian style home of my piano teacher. I could feel everyone’s eyes on me as they waited with great expectation. I began playing. For a moment it felt that everything was okay, until I could hear whispers. I heard the music I was playing and I did not recognize it. My first thought was to run out of the room, but decided I had better finish.

I kept playing hoping that the disaster I was creating was just a dream, but I knew it wasn’t. I felt horrible and ashamed and I hoped I would never see these people again. I wasn’t sure that I could do anything right as my world came tumbling down. “I am so stupid.” I thought.

I had failed in front of my teacher, all the other students and their parents, and, what was worse I was the only one that made such a spectacle. I did not know what to expect from my parents, but I could only imagine their humiliation and shame. I was sure that my teacher was angry, but I would have to deal with her later.

I was eight and my parents wanted me to follow in my sister’s footsteps. My sister was good at playing the piano. Not only did she excel at her lessons, but she could also play by ear. I always knew when she had heard a new tune. She would run in the house, so she would not forget the tune, dash to the piano and play the song . But that was my sister.

DEJECTED AND REJECTED

When we arrived home after the recital, my parents told me that I had been on the wrong keys through the whole song. As my mother put it, ever so kindly, “That’s okay. All you need to do is sit and look pretty.” I know she wanted to console me. I did not have the talent to play the piano. I let my parents down, humiliated and disappointed them, especially my father. He had bought me several John Phillip Sousa music books thinking that I would actually play them.

It was as though there was nothing left for me to do. My goal may as well have been exactly what my mother said, to sit there and look pretty. I don’t think my parents, after the recital fiasco, believed I could do anything. They never seemed to understand that even if I couldn’t play the piano (after all not everyone can), I could do other things. To them it was the piano or nothing. The one good thing that came out of this was that I never had to play the piano again.

COMPETITION OR ENVY?

There was no doubt in my mind that my parents felt I was a loss cause. My self-esteem dropped to the lowest point. I knew I was not as good as my sister. My parents had given up hope for me.

At that point I felt rejection and I felt my parents loved my sister more. I would have to find something to prove that I was as good as my sister. But I couldn’t. My parents were not going to let me take dance classes or any other classes so I could show them something that I could do. Something that would make them proud of me.

AS THE THREAD WEAVES

I soon learned that it would be impossible to make up for the piano recital disaster. My parents had stated how they felt about my ability to play the piano, and the fact that they had wasted a lot of money on the classes I took. I was really in trouble.

I had wanted to show them by taking dance classes that I could do well and that they could be proud of me, but they would not even discuss it.

Three patterns developed from this situation: I could not do what I wanted, the money for anything I wanted would not be available to me, and I did not follow through on anything I started.

I knew I could not change their minds about dance classes, but in junior high school I wanted to try out for cheerleading. My parents seemed to have a very good memory and they reminded me of the piano recital. They also explained that the uniforms, for cheerleading were too expensive.

I had built quite a reputation based on one failed piano recital. They didn’t trust me, they didn’t believe I was worth it--nor did they believe I would follow through.

AND THE THREAD CONTINUES TO WEAVE

As I am an adult, making my own choices and decisions I find that these beliefs still have a pivotal effect on my life.

A number of years ago I decided I would take the dance classes that my parents stopped me from taking. I found that I loved to dance and excelled. Then the beliefs must have hit me in the head and heart because I came up with excuses. I decided that I didn’t have the money for the classes and the costumes. That I didn’t have the time for classes and rehearsals. In other words, my beliefs stopped me from finding creative expression and something I was good at.

The same thing happened when I went into Real Estate. I conjured up every bit of logic I could think of that would make me fail. I finally reasoned that I did not want to do it anyway, so why bother. What I should have done was to find another Real Estate Company to work for. One that would train me and had willing agents and mentors.

To prove to myself and others that I can follow through, I stay in demeaning low-paying jobs long after I know I should quit, as I am in the job I have now. It is miserable and the hours have been cut tremendously, but I keep trying to hold on.

TRANSFORMING DOUBTS

It is extremely difficult and unproductive to continue living with the restrictions my parents placed on me. Therefore, to transform and change my doubts, and the unnecessary and debilitating beliefs, I must let go of the stigma surrounding the piano recital.

I now believe that I can do whatever I want. I follow through when doing what I love. I always have enough money to provide anything that I want. I am deserving. I am worthy. I am good enough.

Writing posts for this blog is the first thing I’ve ever creatively done, enjoyed and followed through on. For me this is a very big accomplishment.

EXERCISE

• When you feel you are unduly criticized or a statement is made that lowers your self-esteem, do you believe yourself or them?
• Do you lose hope? Do you feel like giving up?
• Can you remember a time when failure consumed you?
• Are you willing to accept constructive criticism?

CODE OF SECRECY BROKEN

It was a difficult time. It was the Great Depression and I came into life here at the end of it. My mother, for some reason, decided when I was about 10 or 11 she would divulge a secret that she and my father had been keeping. She very simply and matter-of-fact said the words I will never forget. “We decided to keep you.”

Up to that moment I had no idea that they were thinking of not keeping me, so I was shocked and sad and uncertain. What did that mean? Were they going to throw me away?

It was her way of saying “We really love you a lot.” But, I couldn’t put those two sentences together to make any sense. I tried asking her questions, but she brushed them off telling me that I was too young to understand.

READY FOR THE BIG NEWS

I spent what I thought was a very long time waiting for the right time and the right age, and finally my mother gave in and explained what she meant.

In those days there was no means of safe birth control. A Lysol douche was the most effective and most dangerous, a diaphragm was neither dependable nor a guarantee. The use of a coat hanger was an extreme method. These methods were used immediately after intercourse, with the hope that they would prevent pregnancy. From what she told me, the time between when my sister was born at the beginning of the Depression, and the time at which she became pregnant with me nine years later was a horrendous period. A time during which preventing pregnancy was a dangerous and perilous journey. A man had a choice to keep a woman from getting pregnant. If this choice was not exercised, then the burden was left to the woman.

It was the Great Depression. The depression was a dreadful time. People were out of work, and there was not enough food or shelter. Men lost their jobs, and this was difficult because at that time, men were the breadwinners, men headed the families, and if they did not have a way to make money, to take care of those they loved, they felt shame and disgrace. My father had been out of work for a period of time, and my mother found a job as a banquet service employee, setting tables and serving food. My sister was sent to live with an aunt during the worse of times. It was all my parents could do to take care of even themselves.

I tried to understand what she was telling me, but even in my teens I didn’t fully grasp the reality of what was happening during those years and the way it affected my family.

IN THAT INSTANT

Who could know what would have happened had I not been born? Had they decided not to keep me? But, the way I look at it is, the only way I would not have been born is if I had changed my mind. We choose our parents for the lessons and experiences that we know they will give us.

My mother may have used everything she could to prevent pregnancy at the time of intercourse, but I still would have been born to them. In the instant the decision was made, it was the only decision. I already knew and had decided that these people would be my parents.

I learned that, from their perspective, deciding to keep me meant the same thing as loving me. I was afraid of doing something wrong and of not being perfect all the time, because I figured that if I didn’t live up to what they expected, they wouldn’t love me and could reconsider their decision at any time. It is, of course, impossible to be perfect all the time.

Regardless of the tough lessons and experiences, this is what I needed for this lifetime. I chose them to teach me lessons in freedom and independence, and I am still learning. My parents, my father especially, wanted me to have freedom and not work for someone else. He also wanted me to make a lot of money. Freedom and wealth are what he wanted for himself and could never make it happen. They wanted the best for me in the only way they knew how. It wasn’t until recently that I realized how important this is for me and how I wish I had asked my father more questions about what he thought I should do.

Some of their messages are unusable, and I catch myself still using them (such as, “You don’t have what it takes”), with negative effects. I now take control of my life by reminding myself, when I am doing something I know they would disapprove of, that I do have what it takes to do and be what I want, and even if I don’t, the choice to BE remains with me.

EXERCISES

• Do you know if you were planned or unplanned?
• How does this knowledge affect the way you view your life and your parents?
• How does it affect the way you have planned your own family?
• Do you believe we choose our own parents?

I DIDN’T SEE IT COMING

Do you slide into old habits, not realizing you have, until it’s too late? I did. Just recently. This pattern is so subtle that I knew it was happening, but I didn’t feel the urgency to stop and make adjustments.

The telltale signs that my body was retaining fat and flab startled me. I wasn’t feeling confident and sure of myself as is the result of working on my core area. What happened?

It only took a few minutes to register that I had quit exercising. I had quit doing Pilates five or six mornings a week. My dance teacher called me the other day reminding me of her classes that I had not been attending. I do a total of three to six dance classes a week and had stopped completely.

I know my body needs a lot of continual movement in order for me to feel good and other than shoveling the snow a number of times, I had quit all other forms of taking care of my body. Worse, yet I was consuming more fat and a lot of sugar. Wow!

IT WAS AN INSIDE JOB

Having time was not the issue. I work part time and even fewer hours lately. There wasn’t a physical reason that kept me from exercising.  It was though, the fact that I felt I could not at this time spend any time on me.

Although, I did let my fewer hours at my job, meaning less income, to deter my going to dance classes, which cost under $5.00 an hour. I can reduce my amount of dance classes to two or three.  Can’t say I have that same excuse for Pilates, since I have a Pilates video at home.

Every once in a while what I want and need becomes nonessential. It’s as though I feel I am not worthy and to live up to that feeling, I stop doing good things for me. It happened again. It’s not the time or the money. It is though, the feeling that I am not worthy, I am not good enough. I can make up any excuse I want, but it is how I feel about me that actually makes me stop.

OH, THOSE WORDS AGAIN

Could it be my mother’s words? Was this message creeping up on me again?

She had emphatically told me that to keep a happy home, the most important person in your life is the man you’re married to, then your children and if you have anything left over, I’m assuming she meant time, money and energy, it is for you. I steadfastly lived by this motto. As I watched my mother this is what she did, so I chose to do it also.

Yes, my mother believed she was last in her family, but she was also clever. She married a man who made a good income and she knew how to manage the money. She saved without needing to skimp. When she decided it was time to have what she wanted, she had the money set aside. She went to the most expensive department store to buy her clothes and for my treat of the day we had lunch in the exquisite dining room on the top floor of the building.

She did though leave out a very important part, teaching me to be clever.

THE RESULTS

Even though occasionally I need to remind myself to exercise and eat healthy, I can do it so much easier as long as I believe that I deserve to have a strong, slim and healthy body.

I now put myself first as it is essential for my well-being. I intend to be healthy and in a good place mentally and emotionally so that if the need arises I can take care of others.

EXERCISE

•  Think of a situation with which you’re currently dissatisfied
•  What messages can you recall from earlier in your life that might have contributed to   this situation?
•  Ask yourself if these messages are still valid.
•  If they are not, let them go!
•  Think of positive messages to replace the old ones and say them to yourself every day.

REALITY WORE A BLACK LEATHER JACKET

After a delightful lunch at our favorite restaurant, my friend and I did our usual shopping (for me it was limited to window shopping) at the mall. On that day, since it was a little chilly, what better way to keep warm than to wear the leather jacket she had given me. She had explained to me that the jacket was too large for her and she felt it was too nice to just give away. I’ve always wanted a leather jacket and, not knowing when I would have the money to buy one for myself, I accepted. It was even too small for me, but that didn’t matter, I just didn’t button it.

Still, though it was a hand-me-down. It belonged to her and I felt no pride of ownership. After all, I did not spend my money to buy it. Which is probably why I felt so ashamed when my friend and I ran into an acquaintance of hers. The lady complimented me on the jacket, I could feel my friend’s eyes on me as she waited for me to do what I know I should have. I could not force myself to tell her that my friend had given it to me, that it was a hand-me-down. It was in that moment that I didn’t know which was worse: wearing a hand-me-down, something that she no longer wanted, or telling a lie by omission.

THIS THING ABOUT HAND-ME-DOWNS

Maybe it was how I felt at the time, vulnerable and a little needy. Money was not flowing abundantly into my life so I felt left out, secluded from the way I would like to have been living. This was not a way that I enjoy or would want anyone to know about, but there I was, graciously accepting a hand-me down that I was offered. It meant I did not have the money to go out and buy the item, and I said yes, when I really wanted to say no. It makes me feel poor to accept hand-me-downs even from the best of friends and family.

I, on one hand, realize that what they’ve done is a nice gesture. On the other hand, it reminds me of my precarious financial situation. I am financially unable to buy the new clothes that I want, that actually fit me and reflect the style that I like, and they know it. It’s another reminder that I am not in the place that I want to be in financially, not yet anyway. I know what it is and I see it off in the distance, but I’m not there.

If I accept the hand-me-downs, no matter how good they are or how expensive they were when they were new, I am still settling for less. This is because I know that I have, in that moment, lost my independence. They are acting in good faith, wanting to do something for me, and there may even be a tinge of pity involved.

A STARK VIEW OF REALITY

Could I have felt oversensitive when it was nothing more than the fact that she couldn’t wear it? When my friend had no ulterior motive, only a desire for me to have her jacket? Could it be that my feeling bad or ashamed was not a rational reaction?

I realize that for a very long time I’ve been worried about finding a way to make the amount of money it will take to keep me from having to worry about not having enough. Because of this worry that is always at the forefront in my mind, negative thoughts are abundant. I’ve stopped believing in the positive. In the moment when my friend and I ran into her acquaintance, I had forgotten that I do have the power to make new choices, to change my thoughts which will then change my life.

I felt powerless, and so I was sensitive to the fact that someone else, a stranger, may see that I am a phony. That I don’t have money that I act like I have, that I do at times need to accept a hand-me-down, that a friend will buy my lunch and that I am not as perfect as I would like everyone to believe.

But, I realized most of that it is perfectly okay. Because I do have the power to change my life, and there will be a time that I will be there to help my friend, to do special things for her.

EXERCISES

• Can you think of instances in which negative thoughts were controlling you and your life?
• What thoughts are you thinking now? Are they making you feel bad in some way?
• Are you willing to choose better and more productive thoughts?
• Change your thoughts and change your life.

CHANGE YOUR WORDS, CHANGE YOUR LIFE

When I was a little girl, I carried a small block of wood in my pocket to remind me that I was a blockhead. That is how severe my belief was in what my father thought I was. That block of wood was shorthand for the word that I then took on as part of my identity. I knew I was smart and creative, but my ideas did not conform to my father’s. The fact that we were both strong willed did not help and often he became frustrated with me, thus the name calling.

I lost my sense of center, my belief in becoming whom I wanted to be. I came away from my relationship with my parents believing I wasn’t good enough for everything I wanted in life. I believed I did not have what it took to create that life for myself.

Starting at the age of 18, I made some bad choices. Rather than improving, the conditions of my life only got worse. For a long time, I ignored the impact these choices were having, and continued to blindly pursue activities that were not in alignment with who I really was. For example, I continued to work in jobs for which I had no passion. I ignored how important money would become.

BETTER CHOICES

While recognizing that work has the ability to provide freedom, independence and wealth, I have also seen that working for someone else can be limiting. That is why I made the commitment to become self-reliant and truly free, independent, and prosperous. I’m trying to have freedom and have control over my life instead of just letting my life happen. I consistently work at making better choices.

For me, the path to this self-reliance is writing. I’ve determined that I want to feel passion toward my work, to work from my home, to schedule my own time, to have freedom and independence and to be independently wealthy for the rest of my life. With writing as my work I can have all of this.

LEAVING BLAME BEHIND

I have committed to leaving behind the pattern of blaming others. Blaming any situation or someone or something is ineffectual, and leaves me feeling even more hopeless. By taking command of my life-the good and the bad-I have options and I have a sense of control.

THE POWER OF WORDS

I have learned that changing words and thoughts also changes feelings and thus begins the process of action toward goals. So, instead of “blockhead,” each day I bring to mind words like “artist,” “creativity,” “passion,” “freedom,” and “choice.” As I continue on this journey, I will continue to chart my path by carefully choosing my words.

EXERCISE

• State your goals and desires in a positive, present, matter-of-fact manner. For example, “I am a self-employed engineer working from my home, with many clients who always pay on time.” This will bring about results as long as these goals and desires are consistent with your abilities, talents and intelligence.
• Be consistent in your desires and abilities. Repeat them to yourself several times each day. This is mandatory to getting the results that you want.
• Forgive yourself for past choices. As long as you are attached to the choices you made in the past, you will always live by them.

SAY IT ISN’T SO

It was the time in my life in which I would make a life changing decision as does everyone who is about to graduate from high school. With brochures and an application in hand from Bauder College of Fashion Design located in Dallas, Texas I, with unwavering confidence and absolute joy, presented them to my parents. They wanted me to go to college so I assumed they would be happy and that when I came home, they would have read through the brochures and put their signatures in their perspective places. My dream would have taken its first step to reality.

I couldn’t have been more wrong. It wasn’t until I was in school that day did I realize the negative impact my decision would have not only on my parents, but the school educators, also. I was called into the Principal’s office welcomed by a group consisting of the Principal, Vice Principal, Dean of Boys and Dean of Girls, who informed me of my parents’ concern. They were convinced I was making a very bad and unreasonable choice and they were going to change my mind. When that failed, they called a professor at the University of Denver who would later send his assistant to take me to meet with him. They were being logical, I was being emotional and we were at a standoff. I knew what I wanted, without a doubt. I also knew what would not work for me and no convincing or manipulating would change my mind.

This was a major turning point in my life. Without realizing it I was going to be traveling down a devastating and destructive path. A path that would affect the rest of my life.

MY DESIGNING DREAM

I had known since I was eight that I would be a designer. It was all I wanted to do and all I spent my spare time doing. When my older sister took me to the movies, we were the last to leave. We waited until the list of credits came on, the title Costume Designer and the name Edith Head. It was at this point that I visualized seeing my name in print in place of Edith Head. This was before the self-help books were available and told us how to visualize. I just knew this was the path I was meant to be on.

Still, to this day I notice a warm feeling in the pit of my stomach when I look at a sketch that a designer has made. It is a calm feeling. It is a feeling that I am safe that I am home. I wish it were I sketching the dresses, coats and hats, but it isn’t. So I let it go.

WHAT REALLY HAPPENED

I had been elected to the National Honor Society and mostly my grades were very good, so with this in mind, my father expected me to go to college. He wanted me to become what he could never achieve. He wanted me to study business, and become wealthy buying and selling my own houses. There was nothing wrong with what he wanted for me, except I wanted something different. And what I wanted was to the extreme opposite of his plans for me. What I wanted and needed was the freedom to make my own decisions and choices and to feel good about these decisions and choices.

I should have known that he would never agree on my studying the arts, of any sort. My fathers twin brother was an artist and had the honor of studying at Walt Disney’s studio. I remember the loud arguments that my mother and father would have with him. They telling him, he would never make it as an artist, that he would have to get a job. He did give up and give in and I saw a very sad man. My sister could play piano by ear, but she was never encouraged to continue. Instead of pursuing my dream, I made a conscious choice to work for someone else and then to eventually marry.

I had obeyed my parents as best I could, appeasing their appetite for controlling me and kept my dreams to myself. I had never discussed this with them, knowing that if they knew ahead of time that would have squelched my idea immediately.

A DEFEATIST ATTITUDE

There is a message that creates a pattern in my life. It is a self-defeating pattern that goes something like this. “If you don’t let me do what I want, I will show you just how miserable I will be.” I must have thought they would take pity on me and give in. It didn’t happen and with that kind of attitude how could I not be miserable. This message set me up for a pattern of giving up and giving in. I knew I was not good enough to fulfill my dreams.

WAS THERE A COMPROMISE IN THE OFFING?

Were my father and mother disappointed? Of course, but then so was I.

Had my father been the man who would listen to my opinions, who would take the time to discuss what I wanted, possibly he might have been able to discourage me from being a designer, and at that point it would have been my idea. Instead he would become angry, turn red, raise his voice and demand I do what he told me. He was domineering and it was impossible to have a discussion with him. It was his way or no way. My mother would call him a bullheaded Englishman. There were times when my mother would intercede and convince him to let me have my way, but this time my mother was on his side.

I decided I would not attend college. Instead I would get a job which would lead to a succession of jobs, all lackluster, dead-end and low-paying, some even demeaning. After setting myself on this path, because it was the result of a choice I made, I then decided to get married and have children. I never felt that there could be any other choice, any other path to be on. I had made my decision and that was it. There were children to be raised and they became my sole purpose.

My parents reluctantly accepted my decisions and never again brought up the subject of college. I’m sure they realized that there was nothing more they could do. We remained close, and I watched over them until their deaths. Even after they died and to this day their messages are ever-present and tend to control my decisions and choices. I have been forever angry that I could not follow my dream, but I never told them how I felt. Maybe being a designer would not have been what I wanted, but I was never allowed to find out for myself and that would have been a part of growing up.

WHAT I LEARNED

That there can be new choices and new endings. I did not have to choose to completely give up my dream, but rather change how I would make my dream a reality.

I kept my desires and dreams to myself. No one knew that after graduating from school I also studied to be a model. I knew that if I told my parents they would never support me, so why take away the joy I found in applying make-up, in walking, in colors and the other classes, even though I ended it before I could be successful. No one knew that I dreamed of dancing on Broadway in New York. The people I confide in are those who are in the creative arts field.

Now I know that by telling myself repeatedly that I can do everything I want, that I am an intelligent woman, that I am creative and artistic is my way of becoming successful. I tell myself I’m going to do it (whatever I’ve chosen to do) no matter what. I must stay focused on what I want and follow my chosen path.

Ultimately, I learned that I have to change the messages I received from my parents so that the patterns will change. The messages they gave me led me to believe that I wasn’t good enough, that my ideas are worthless, that I don’t have what it takes to do what I want. This is how they controlled and manipulated me into doing what they wanted. This is how I failed at being me.

FROM THAT MOMENT ON

Most noticeable major changes or turning points in my life were my two divorces. Another time later in my life was when I decided to take creative and artistic classes, watercolor painting, dancing, acting and voice. I did not have any plans beyond taking classes, although I did do two local TV commercials.

I made a choice to stop dating for a period of time because I was using relationships and marriage as a replacement for denying my creative and artistic self.  Until I changed, it seemed unadvisable that I become involved.

Now I have made a choice to end my pattern of ‘getting a job’, working for someone else, on their schedule, their pay. An end to depending on a job to give me what I want and need, because it can’t, it never will. I desperately need my freedom and the freedom of making choices and decisions. I will have to learn to use my freedom because for me it never came easily.

There is no way around it, if your life is going to be different you have to make a choice to change it. Anytime you doubt the choice, anytime you feel uncertain, anytime you feel you need someone to assure you that you’ve made the right decision and choice, you weaken your ability to be successful.

THE GOOD RESULTS

Taking dance classes such as tap, ballet and jazz gave me much needed confidence, but also the ability to reach out much further, to succeed beyond my expectations. Dancing affects not only your feet, but your entire body and mind. You learn to center and ground yourself and this makes you feel and step with the music. Once you feel this confidence it stays with you all day, every day.

EXERCISE

• A body/mind related activity such as dancing, or any type of sport is going to teach you to be   grounded.    It will teach you that you can do more than you ever thought you could. It will give you confidence in all of your daily experiences. Start small and move up, but get yourself moving.
• Forgive those who tended to restrict our dreams and desires. These people showed us our strengths to make choices of our own.
• Determine what you want to do, what you love, what you dream of and find a way to do it. Allow yourself the freedom to have fun and enjoy whatever activity you choose.