REALITY OF WORKING

I sat at the desk looking out the large glass windows toward the street and the shops on the other side. There wasn’t a lot to do, take in payments and answer the phone and neither was busy nor constructive. It was a job in an office and I was doing what the job consisted of. Other than the money I was making I felt as though it was a waste of time. I spent most of my time looking at the clock wishing it was time to go home.

I didn’t have to work. My husband preferred that I stay at home, but that was boring, too. I needed something to do, and something to occupy my time, and this seemed to be it. Or at least it was the only thing I could think of.

At this point in my life I did not have a very good track record. I was still trying to find myself, still trying to decide on a job, and trying to decide what a job was, other than a place to receive a paycheck.

Starting at the age of 16, I had worked in retail sales for two years, worked in the catalog warehouse for a major retail store, and worked in the personnel office at a Federal Agency for a few months. None had been good choices, but they had provided a little experience.

THIS JOB

I had found this job about a mile from where we lived which allowed me to walk in good weather, since we only had one car.

I had not worked for a loan company in the past. I was somewhat familiar since we had to get a loan to buy a car, but I soon learned that working for them would be a pragmatic eyeopener.

I’ve always been good at observing, listening and making mental notes. At this job I needed all these resources. I soon discovered how things worked. My bosses needed collateral that was worth more than the loan amount. It seemed that in the back of their minds their first thought was the possibility of a default on the loan, since the interest rates were high there was a good chance the customer would not be able to make their payments, in a timely fashion. The owners made sure that the collateral was the amount they needed, so that they could repossess the item or items.

When I learned this, I knew that we were paying a higher interest on the car we bought, than if we had spent more time searching for a better and cheaper way. That was disheartening

NOW FOR THE BEST PART

Then a young couple walked in with their child. They spoke at length with the loan officer, as he made notes on a pad of paper. The next step was to hand me the piece of paper with the notes and I was to type the information on a legal contract.

They continued talking to one of the loan officers and they were about ready to sign on the dotted line. The loan officer walked out of the room, to speak with the manager and maybe to give them time to discuss the deal between them. The young couple nervously spoke and argued in an almost inaudible tone. I could tell by watching and hearing as much as I could that they were not sure this was what they wanted, but it was what they needed. They were going to do it.

I walked up to the young couple and told them, don’t do this. Walk away. The interest you are going to pay is very high. They are planning on repossessing the item, because they already have figured out that you won’t be able to make the payments. I chased them away.

Yes, they said, thank you and I was happy to know that I helped someone.

IT WASN’T MY PLACE, OH WELL!

The loan officer had been listening and he ran outside to see if he could catch the couple and bring them back to the office, but it was too late. They were gone.

Needless to say, he was very angry and on the spot he and the manager fired me. And it was a good thing, because otherwise I would have had to quit. I would not want to work in a career or for people that deceived their customers and actually hoped they would fail.

Was I sorry? Absolutely not. I felt the young couple should know the real truth before they made a decision and the loan officer was not telling the whole story.

These loan officers were concealing facts and concealing the way they do business, but it happens all the time and especially to unsuspecting people who are led by their fears. This scene is similar to situations with mortgage companies convincing people that they can afford homes that they can’t and selling them mortgages that ultimately increase interest rates and monthly payments they cannot afford.

FOR A GOOD REASON

I don’t know what happened to the young couple. Hopefully they did more research or maybe realized that saving money to buy something is the most responsible way to make purchases.

I learned to be more careful with my money. If I need to borrow, car loan or mortgage, I make sure that I understand everything, if not I ask questions. It’s reassuring to have the experience and wisdom to make better choices, even if this experience means working at lousy jobs or making mistakes.

EXERCISE

• Are you wondering why you have your job? Is it the paycheck?
• Have you ever watched unscrupulous actions of someone you’re doing business with?
• Have you ever stood up for yourself or someone around you?
• Are you willing to walk away rather than stay in an uncomfortable or dishonest situation? Even if it means giving up your paycheck?

  

I DID IT MY WAY

Screaming and crying I ran into the house, my mother a few steps behind. She was trying to make me go to school, and I was not cooperating, just like the day before and many days before that. I was about six years old, and I knew that if I threw a temper tantrum my mother would give in and let me stay home. From the time I first walked into that huge scary building, I knew I did not want to go to school. My mother and my teachers had already had quite a few conversations about my attendance record. My mother had tried everything to get me to go to school, but nothing worked.

I had it figured out, though. I would stay home for a period of time and then, when I knew I had to, I grudgingly went to school. I would do all the assignments that I had missed, then ask the teacher for all the future lessons that she had ready. I completed 10 days of assignments in two days, and then begged for more work. At that point she would tell me to help the students who were falling behind. When I completed all the tasks, she had given me, I decided I would not go to school again. It was a routine I had created and I’m not sure anyone else had it figured out. In spite of not being there most of the time, I easily passed each grade.

WRITING MY OWN RULES

I continued the pattern of missing school through junior high and in high school, minus the tears and screaming. I had it figured out: I was very bored. The subjects that I had to take were of no interest to me, so I dreaded going to school. I asked the Dean of Girls if we could have an art class so I could study sketching and colors, but I was given an emphatic NO. In spite of all this, I maintained very good grades, since this was what my parents and teachers demanded from me. In my senior year I was elected to the National Honor Society.

I remember the time in high school when I decided that if I did not get my homework done in school or in study hall, I would not take it home. I would not use my free time at home to study. I made that rule for myself, even though I knew it had the potential to be self-defeating. It became a challenge. Could I do all my homework assigned to me during my hours at a school, and still pass all the tests?

My parents and teachers did not know what I was doing, the only requirement was to get A’s and B’s, Seeing my report card was all that mattered to them, not the process in reaching that point. Which meant the new rule I had made was perfectly okay.

A LITTLE FIB

I suppose that because my family did not have rules for me, I had to make up my own. On one occasion, my friends and I had been out a little later than we probably should have. The next day they told me they were really in trouble and were grounded for getting home past curfew. I felt left out so I told them a little fib. I told them I was grounded, too. Looking back, I’m not sure why there was such a lack of rules and accountability for me, except that my parents, especially my mother did not associate with any of the other parents. Even though they had raised my sister, who was nine years older than me, they may not have considered what it takes to raise a defiant teenager. My sister was cooperative and compliant, while I was stubborn and independent, somewhat of a spoiled brat and I knew how to manipulate people.

A CONTINUING PATTERN

I continued my pattern of not spending extra time doing homework into my adult world. For instance when I went to class to study for my Real Estate exam, I refused to study at home and I refused to be worried. I would have to comprehend and remember what I learned during class. Did that work for me? I passed a very difficult Real Estate exam the first time.

The exceptions to this rule are my creative activities. I’ve always spent time practicing and rehearsing anything that I feel passionate about, such as writing, dancing, acting, design and decorating, cooking, and voice.

WHAT I LEARNED
 
While still a teenager, I went on a date, and the boy I was with tried to get me to drink flavored vodka. I was angry, appalled that he would think I was that kind of girl. I was afraid I would not be able to handle him if he started drinking. So I made another rule: I was not going to drink, nor would I be forced to drink. I made this rule since my parents did not give me any advice on dating. I was not going to drink nor would I be forced to drink. I did not care what my parents thought or what he thought. This is how I felt.

  

As an adult, I was out with a group of friends at a bar, and they kept ordering rounds of drinks. I was told to drink up. As they drank, they became louder and more forceful, but I refused to succumb. I did not want to drink the beverages that were sitting in front of me. Worse, the man I was with did not support me. In fact, he was angry because I was not being sociable and because I refused to comply.

I’ve noticed that sometimes it is difficult to go against what everyone wants. I’ve also noticed that to be true to me and true to the rules that I set for myself, I am going to make people angry with me. I accept this, and I continue to make my own rules to live by. I find that by making rules that I know will benefit me, I will less likely be swayed by others. By setting my own rules I also have set my standards high and place value on what is important to me. I have no one to answer to but myself.

EXERCISE

• Did you, out of necessity, make new rules for yourself as a child or teenager?
• Do you still use these rules in your life, today?
• Are the patterns plainly visible or do the patterns creep up unexpectedly?
• Is it time to make new rules and patterns?

IT WAS ONLY A SIP OF WINE

I stood in the living room next to my aunt and felt my mother come up behind me. Before I knew it, my mother had taken the glass out of my hand and retrieved the bottle of wine from my aunt. She had been watching as my glass emptied my aunt filled it. I’m not sure if my aunt realized that she should not be filling my glass, after all I was only 10 years old. Perhaps she had herself been drinking too much and figured that behind an empty glass was a thirsty person. I heard my mother’s angry voice scolding my aunt and at that point I was feeling a little dizzy. It seemed that this incident was the catalyst in changing my mother’s mind about my being skinny and unhealthy, because I never had to have a sip of wine again and she stopped taking me to doctors.

For some reason my mother had decided that I was too skinny, therefore I must not eat enough and I must be unhealthy. Every doctor she took me to told her I was fine, I was healthy and for her not to worry. That didn’t stop her. She kept on until she finally found a doctor who would agree with her, telling her the way to make me eat more and gain weight was a sip of wine before dinner.

WHOOPS! I STEPPED OUT OF LINE

My mother’s concerns evolved into a pattern in my life. If I did not eat everything on my plate, it became an issue with whomever I was with. I severely upset a man I was dating when we went to a buffet for a meal. He was buying the meal and he told me I was to put plenty on my plate and eat it all, because he was not spending his money on me if I was not going to take advantage of the full meal. As he told me this, standing in the buffet line, he physically pushed me to the point that I lost my balance. He knew from past experiences that I never ate a lot and if there was too much on my plate I didn’t eat it. To him this was wasteful.

Another time, a man I was with became angry because I told him I was not going to drink anymore. People at our table were buying rounds, and I kept saying no even though the drinks were lined up in front of me. I did not conform to their demands even though I knew that when we were alone he would be even more angry with me.

It is frightening to hold my own with people who insist I live my life their way. I get angry when they tell me to eat my food or to consume all the drinks in front of me, but I don’t give in.

I’M HUNGRY

Eventually, these resonating concerns of my mother took hold in my mind in a different way. Now I eat everything I put on my plate due to fear that I might be really hungry later. If there is no food, what will I do? If I don’t have time to eat, what will I do? These thoughts and concerns contribute weight gain. I eat when I don’t need to, I eat too much for fear I will starve, then I feel guilty and console myself by stopping at a fast food drive-in. I do this when I am working at my job, because when I am there, I have no opportunity to eat for as long as six or seven hours. I work from morning until mid-afternoon, and these fears begin at breakfast. I fear I will be hungry, so I overeat. When I get home, I am starving, so I overeat. I know that in a few hours it will be time for dinner and I will force myself to eat even though I am not hungry. This pattern creates havoc with my metabolism and digestive system. There is no way to change the way my job is set up, it is what it is.

To feel good, I make better choices. When I am not at my job, I eat several small meals a day to keep my blood sugar level stable and improve the functioning of my digestive system. I know from experience that my body has to work overtime to digest a large meal, causing me to feel sluggish after I’ve eaten. Instead, I can eat small nourishing meals, which makes me feel good and energetic.

I prefer one drink or none at all. I believe that alcohol tends to mess with one’s mind and I really like having a clear mind at all times.

If I am mindful of what I am doing, I tend to stay healthy both physically and mentally. I follow a to-do list for exercise and healthy food until I get into the habit.

It seems to be difficult for some people to accept me as I am. But, I can choose to ignore their opinions and make better choices by turning the fear-based messages that my mother gave me into positive messages. I’m not “too skinny.” I’m “slender.” There is nothing “wrong with” me. I am who I am.

EXERCISES

• Are there things about you that are different from other people you know?
• Do others make you feel bad for being different? How do you manage their opinions?
• List the times that others have tried to control you.
• List the ways you can start to take back the control of your life.
• Take one step toward taking back control today.

THE SUPPOSED TO BE SYNDROME

This is where you are supposed to be.

This is what you are supposed to be doing.

This is whom you are supposed to be.

I am compressed in this one little package and I have lost my independence.

If you are supposed to be, then how could you be good enough as is?

Having said all this it very simply means that those around us, family, friends, co-workers and even acquaintances, put us in a special package with a tightly secure and knotted rope.

Once this package is securely around us this then is the way we are supposed to live. No surprises. That would never do. This package makes those around us feel comfortable, secure and safe. They know at all times where we are, what we are doing, who we are and what we are thinking. They don’t have to guess. They don’t have to search for us.

Here we are in our neat little package, unable to express ourselves, unable to create, unable to move about. We never dare to speak out and express our opinions. That is completely unheard of in our little world of ‘supposed to’.

AN ATTEMPTED ESCAPE

I was in a, ‘supposed to be’ role with my second husband. I was working at a company in which there was an opportunity to advance into a different position. It meant doing work that had more responsibility, the potential for more money, and eventually a little freedom. To do this I would have to take a test. I told him about this after dinner and in the company of a very good friend of his.

Instead of him feeling excited and supportive he told me that I would never be able to pass the test. This is when his friend became angry and told him, that I could pass the test and he should not speak to me this way. I appreciated what his friend said, and my husband was astonished at his friend taking my side, but the damage was done. That’s how fragile I was. Once I heard his words, I knew I had made a mistake. I had angered him and I had to step back into the ‘supposed to be’ place.

There is no way out, unless we reach out and untie the knot in the rope and make our escape. But this is not so easy. We have been in our, ‘supposed to be’ state for many years, maybe even all our lives. It is very scarey to step out and try something new. We find ourselves returning to our package, retying the rope, even without their help.

MEN I DATED AND THE MEN I MARRIED

The many men in my life all put me in a package of ‘supposed to be’. They left me there to fend for myself, knowing that they held the key to my freedom. If I even so dared to attempt to be me, or express my opinion they let me know exactly how they felt and told me how I was to act and talk. It was many times that I was told to not express my opinion. It made them feel uncomfortable if I were to have an opinion different than theirs.

I had my own values at a very young age. I knew what I would accept, and what I would not. I set the values for myself and did not expect anyone to follow in my footsteps. I also did not expect anyone to try to change me.

WAS HE RIGHT OR. . . . . .

I didn’t believe for a moment that I could not pass the test. I knew that his friend was right and I appreciated that he stood up for me, but it was not the time for gloating. I had stepped out of place. My husband’s ego would not let him accept the fact that I could possibly be equal to him. I would have a chance to leave my, ‘supposed to be’ position and this was not acceptable. It scared him.

My husband was a stockbroker and I was going to take the test to have the same career as his. Not because this was my original plan, but because the opportunity arose. I worked at a brokerage company, not the company he was at, as a sales assistant to five stockbrokers. I took the job because it was a different type of company than any other job I had worked at. I learned after working there that once a year, according to senority, a sales assistant would have the opportunity to study and take the test to be a stockbroker.

I did what he probably hoped for and maybe expected and backed down. I turned down the opportunity and gave up the possibility of changing my way of making money and the amount of money I made. There was no reason to continue working there, no other way for advancement and the money was not enough to entice me to stay. I left the job a few months later. This choice was not necessarily a good one, simply because I did not have another choice in mind. When leaving or ending something having a choice of what you are going to do next and a plan of how you are going to achieve your goal is absolutely mandatory. I did not change my way of working or making money, I simply stayed on the same plane and got another job.

Did what he say affect me? Of course, it did, but the choice I made affected me even more so. When I gave in I, also, gave up. Having someone tell me I can’t, accepting it and giving up and giving in is not a quality in me that I like.

A few months later it seemed that everything wrong with this marriage increased in magnitude. I was angry because I let him manipulate me. I saw him in a different light and I didn’t like what I saw, therefore we separated and I divorced him. My choice was to be single and for me this was a good choice.

Actually I am quite proud that I have opinions and that I am stepping out of my ‘supposed to be’ pattern. In its place I am becoming me and adapting to my new freedom. Gradually I am learning that in stepping out of a ‘supposed to be’ place, I am safe. I am accepting that I can do what I want, regardless of how others feel. Taking this step gives me a feeling of power. Facing the fear and anger directed toward me by the person that feels I’m betraying them, is a big step. The fact I am making the choice to tell a few people that I am writing and not backing down if I hear negative responses, is huge for me. By doing this I am announcing more emphatically that I am a writer and I push forward more focused than ever.

EXERCISE

• Have you found yourself in a, ‘supposed to be’ situation?
• How did you react?
• List the ways in which you can change and gradually break free without upsetting the other individual. Is it really necessary (or possible) to not upset the other person?
• How can you take steps to implement one of these changes today ?

WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?

It happened many years ago when I was a teenager. My age and inexperience didn’t stop me. First, I should explain that my parents were much older when I was born, so for me, I sometimes thought of them as my grandparents.

In this particular instance I had gone with my parents so that my father could buy a new car. He insisted on buying a new car every two to three years and it was now time.

Having decided which car he wanted we sat down at the salesman’s desk to finalize the deal. I remember the salesman telling my father about all the gadgets that he could get on the car, and with each gadget the price was going up.

I HAD TO SAY SOMETHING

I sat quietly, listening intently to every word that the salesman said, until something in me bubbled over or maybe it just exploded. The price kept going up and the gadgets were unnecessary and my parents were about to say yes when I interrupted their conversation with an adamant no.

I, stood up and not so quietly, told the salesman exactly what I thought of him and his sales tactics. I knew that my parents did not need everything he was trying to sell them, nor did they need to pay the exorbitant amount that the cost had risen to. I knew it wasn’t right.

After my explosion my parents and I left the building. Honestly, I don’t know where this outburst came from, but I felt I had to protect them.

EXCESSIVE PRESSURE FROM AUTHORITY FIGURES

Definitely the salesman was in a place of authority and used it to his advantage. This was his job, this is what he was paid to do. I don’t feel anyone of authority has the right to take advantage of another person who for whatever reason, does not or cannot stand up for themselves. I felt this way then and I still do.

My intuition, my inner self or whatever you want to call it seems to innately know when someone is being taken advantage of. Even at that young age. I protected my parents, my children and animals from anyone who intends to do them wrong.

When I recall this incident, I think of how my parents may have felt. Maybe they thought I was out of line, but I did it. I couldn’t change it and I wouldn’t have, not then and not now.

I felt they needed to be protected, because they were getting ready to sign on the dotted line. They seemed to not see what the salesman was doing and I didn’t want them to end up with a very expensive bad deal. This was also at the time that my father may have been at the beginning stage of some health issues. Did that influence his decision making? Maybe, but nevertheless it still was not right.

IT WAS A GOOD THING

We left that dealership and went to another where my parents did purchase a new car that we drove home in. Did the salesman try to take advantage of them? No. Were my parents upset with me? No. They thanked me for helping them and I felt proud and powerful. I knew when I spoke up that I was doing the right thing. I can use my voice to make changes.

The one thing I learned about myself is that I do have the innate ability to make powerful and wise suggestions to others. You see, this wasn’t planned. I did not leave the house thinking that I would have to watch over my parents and make sure they will not be pressured or cheated. I acted on what was happening in that moment.

EXERCISE

• Have you been in a precarious situation in which you knew you needed to say something?
• List the times you knew you should have said something, but didn’t.
• Would you do differently now?