CODE OF SECRECY BROKEN

It was a difficult time. It was the Great Depression and I came into life here at the end of it. My mother, for some reason, decided when I was about 10 or 11 she would divulge a secret that she and my father had been keeping. She very simply and matter-of-fact said the words I will never forget. “We decided to keep you.”

Up to that moment I had no idea that they were thinking of not keeping me, so I was shocked and sad and uncertain. What did that mean? Were they going to throw me away?

It was her way of saying “We really love you a lot.” But, I couldn’t put those two sentences together to make any sense. I tried asking her questions, but she brushed them off telling me that I was too young to understand.

READY FOR THE BIG NEWS

I spent what I thought was a very long time waiting for the right time and the right age, and finally my mother gave in and explained what she meant.

In those days there was no means of safe birth control. A Lysol douche was the most effective and most dangerous, a diaphragm was neither dependable nor a guarantee. The use of a coat hanger was an extreme method. These methods were used immediately after intercourse, with the hope that they would prevent pregnancy. From what she told me, the time between when my sister was born at the beginning of the Depression, and the time at which she became pregnant with me nine years later was a horrendous period. A time during which preventing pregnancy was a dangerous and perilous journey. A man had a choice to keep a woman from getting pregnant. If this choice was not exercised, then the burden was left to the woman.

It was the Great Depression. The depression was a dreadful time. People were out of work, and there was not enough food or shelter. Men lost their jobs, and this was difficult because at that time, men were the breadwinners, men headed the families, and if they did not have a way to make money, to take care of those they loved, they felt shame and disgrace. My father had been out of work for a period of time, and my mother found a job as a banquet service employee, setting tables and serving food. My sister was sent to live with an aunt during the worse of times. It was all my parents could do to take care of even themselves.

I tried to understand what she was telling me, but even in my teens I didn’t fully grasp the reality of what was happening during those years and the way it affected my family.

IN THAT INSTANT

Who could know what would have happened had I not been born? Had they decided not to keep me? But, the way I look at it is, the only way I would not have been born is if I had changed my mind. We choose our parents for the lessons and experiences that we know they will give us.

My mother may have used everything she could to prevent pregnancy at the time of intercourse, but I still would have been born to them. In the instant the decision was made, it was the only decision. I already knew and had decided that these people would be my parents.

I learned that, from their perspective, deciding to keep me meant the same thing as loving me. I was afraid of doing something wrong and of not being perfect all the time, because I figured that if I didn’t live up to what they expected, they wouldn’t love me and could reconsider their decision at any time. It is, of course, impossible to be perfect all the time.

Regardless of the tough lessons and experiences, this is what I needed for this lifetime. I chose them to teach me lessons in freedom and independence, and I am still learning. My parents, my father especially, wanted me to have freedom and not work for someone else. He also wanted me to make a lot of money. Freedom and wealth are what he wanted for himself and could never make it happen. They wanted the best for me in the only way they knew how. It wasn’t until recently that I realized how important this is for me and how I wish I had asked my father more questions about what he thought I should do.

Some of their messages are unusable, and I catch myself still using them (such as, “You don’t have what it takes”), with negative effects. I now take control of my life by reminding myself, when I am doing something I know they would disapprove of, that I do have what it takes to do and be what I want, and even if I don’t, the choice to BE remains with me.

EXERCISES

• Do you know if you were planned or unplanned?
• How does this knowledge affect the way you view your life and your parents?
• How does it affect the way you have planned your own family?
• Do you believe we choose our own parents?

IT WAS ONLY A SIP OF WINE

I stood in the living room next to my aunt and felt my mother come up behind me. Before I knew it, my mother had taken the glass out of my hand and retrieved the bottle of wine from my aunt. She had been watching as my glass emptied my aunt filled it. I’m not sure if my aunt realized that she should not be filling my glass, after all I was only 10 years old. Perhaps she had herself been drinking too much and figured that behind an empty glass was a thirsty person. I heard my mother’s angry voice scolding my aunt and at that point I was feeling a little dizzy. It seemed that this incident was the catalyst in changing my mother’s mind about my being skinny and unhealthy, because I never had to have a sip of wine again and she stopped taking me to doctors.

For some reason my mother had decided that I was too skinny, therefore I must not eat enough and I must be unhealthy. Every doctor she took me to told her I was fine, I was healthy and for her not to worry. That didn’t stop her. She kept on until she finally found a doctor who would agree with her, telling her the way to make me eat more and gain weight was a sip of wine before dinner.

WHOOPS! I STEPPED OUT OF LINE

My mother’s concerns evolved into a pattern in my life. If I did not eat everything on my plate, it became an issue with whomever I was with. I severely upset a man I was dating when we went to a buffet for a meal. He was buying the meal and he told me I was to put plenty on my plate and eat it all, because he was not spending his money on me if I was not going to take advantage of the full meal. As he told me this, standing in the buffet line, he physically pushed me to the point that I lost my balance. He knew from past experiences that I never ate a lot and if there was too much on my plate I didn’t eat it. To him this was wasteful.

Another time, a man I was with became angry because I told him I was not going to drink anymore. People at our table were buying rounds, and I kept saying no even though the drinks were lined up in front of me. I did not conform to their demands even though I knew that when we were alone he would be even more angry with me.

It is frightening to hold my own with people who insist I live my life their way. I get angry when they tell me to eat my food or to consume all the drinks in front of me, but I don’t give in.

I’M HUNGRY

Eventually, these resonating concerns of my mother took hold in my mind in a different way. Now I eat everything I put on my plate due to fear that I might be really hungry later. If there is no food, what will I do? If I don’t have time to eat, what will I do? These thoughts and concerns contribute weight gain. I eat when I don’t need to, I eat too much for fear I will starve, then I feel guilty and console myself by stopping at a fast food drive-in. I do this when I am working at my job, because when I am there, I have no opportunity to eat for as long as six or seven hours. I work from morning until mid-afternoon, and these fears begin at breakfast. I fear I will be hungry, so I overeat. When I get home, I am starving, so I overeat. I know that in a few hours it will be time for dinner and I will force myself to eat even though I am not hungry. This pattern creates havoc with my metabolism and digestive system. There is no way to change the way my job is set up, it is what it is.

To feel good, I make better choices. When I am not at my job, I eat several small meals a day to keep my blood sugar level stable and improve the functioning of my digestive system. I know from experience that my body has to work overtime to digest a large meal, causing me to feel sluggish after I’ve eaten. Instead, I can eat small nourishing meals, which makes me feel good and energetic.

I prefer one drink or none at all. I believe that alcohol tends to mess with one’s mind and I really like having a clear mind at all times.

If I am mindful of what I am doing, I tend to stay healthy both physically and mentally. I follow a to-do list for exercise and healthy food until I get into the habit.

It seems to be difficult for some people to accept me as I am. But, I can choose to ignore their opinions and make better choices by turning the fear-based messages that my mother gave me into positive messages. I’m not “too skinny.” I’m “slender.” There is nothing “wrong with” me. I am who I am.

EXERCISES

• Are there things about you that are different from other people you know?
• Do others make you feel bad for being different? How do you manage their opinions?
• List the times that others have tried to control you.
• List the ways you can start to take back the control of your life.
• Take one step toward taking back control today.

WALKING AN UNPLANNED PATH

I made a new choice very different from what I had intended when I graduated from high school. Rather than the higher education that my Mother and Father wanted for me or the fashion design college that I wanted, I traveled a very different route. A route that I did not research or plan out. I would get a job.

That would not have been so bad, had I fully understood what a job would entail. Up to that point my experience in a job was working part-time in a dime store in my junior and senior years. I never considered it anything other than the way to pay for a car. Yet my boss had me pass over the older women, the ones who had been there far longer than I, to do the bookkeeping in the office and to decorate the windows every week with new sale items. This was hardly the foundation for knowing what it would be like to work at a job for the rest of my life. The only thing I enjoyed was the window decorating. I did not just enjoy it, I loved it. I was so proud of my displays in the window especially as I stood across the street and appraised my work.

Here I was, eighteen years old and trying to figure out a job for the rest of my life. I knew I did not want to work retail anymore. I would, I decided, do work in an office. This was an interesting idea because I had no idea what people in offices did. I just knew that an office would have to be better than a store.
So, off I went trying out a few jobs, not quite happy in any of them, but at least learning and making a little money.

WAS THIS WHAT I WANTED?

I tried to feel good about what I was doing, but finding a job and being happy in the job were two very different things. It seemed I was not going have both at the same time.

Mostly I was bored, the work seemed tedious and repetitious regardless of what I was doing. An office job was not that great and I soon found that being confined five days a week to the inside of a building was depressing. How could anyone be happy looking at four walls, pieces of paper, files and a pen and pencil?

I kept changing jobs looking for some oasis in a desert, and it wasn’t happening.

THIS IS IT

After awhile my outlook changed. I knew this was my chosen path and I would find the best job I could, no matter how many tries I made. I believed I would find the job that would become a career for me. I believed I would be happy in the job I loved. How could that not be true? Here I was ambitious, talented and intelligent and determined to make a successful life for myself. It was a change that I had not made plans for, but it was one in which I knew I would figure it out for myself.

Eventually my inner being, to bring me peace of mind, accepted my role as an employee. It wasn’t that I was happy with my choice of any job, but it was the fact that this was my choice and I knew I had to make the best of it. But why? I knew I wasn’t fulfilled. I could feel that I was missing something, that there was a void in my life. Then I realized that as simply as I made a choice to get a job, I could also make a choice to do what I loved. This shift in energy allowed me to understand that the time has now come to change my choices.

I now look first to what I love to do and there are several things that I not only love, but that I do well. It is a matter of deciding which choice to make and changing my life. I am complete only when I am fulfilled and this is my first consideration when I now make a choice to change the work I do.

EXERCISE

• Have you been on a path that was not only unfamiliar, but uncomfortable, too?
• Decide how you can make this work for you, at least for the time being.
• List ways in which you can change the choices you once made.
• Begin to implement a new choice.

THE SUPPOSED TO BE SYNDROME

This is where you are supposed to be.

This is what you are supposed to be doing.

This is whom you are supposed to be.

I am compressed in this one little package and I have lost my independence.

If you are supposed to be, then how could you be good enough as is?

Having said all this it very simply means that those around us, family, friends, co-workers and even acquaintances, put us in a special package with a tightly secure and knotted rope.

Once this package is securely around us this then is the way we are supposed to live. No surprises. That would never do. This package makes those around us feel comfortable, secure and safe. They know at all times where we are, what we are doing, who we are and what we are thinking. They don’t have to guess. They don’t have to search for us.

Here we are in our neat little package, unable to express ourselves, unable to create, unable to move about. We never dare to speak out and express our opinions. That is completely unheard of in our little world of ‘supposed to’.

AN ATTEMPTED ESCAPE

I was in a, ‘supposed to be’ role with my second husband. I was working at a company in which there was an opportunity to advance into a different position. It meant doing work that had more responsibility, the potential for more money, and eventually a little freedom. To do this I would have to take a test. I told him about this after dinner and in the company of a very good friend of his.

Instead of him feeling excited and supportive he told me that I would never be able to pass the test. This is when his friend became angry and told him, that I could pass the test and he should not speak to me this way. I appreciated what his friend said, and my husband was astonished at his friend taking my side, but the damage was done. That’s how fragile I was. Once I heard his words, I knew I had made a mistake. I had angered him and I had to step back into the ‘supposed to be’ place.

There is no way out, unless we reach out and untie the knot in the rope and make our escape. But this is not so easy. We have been in our, ‘supposed to be’ state for many years, maybe even all our lives. It is very scarey to step out and try something new. We find ourselves returning to our package, retying the rope, even without their help.

MEN I DATED AND THE MEN I MARRIED

The many men in my life all put me in a package of ‘supposed to be’. They left me there to fend for myself, knowing that they held the key to my freedom. If I even so dared to attempt to be me, or express my opinion they let me know exactly how they felt and told me how I was to act and talk. It was many times that I was told to not express my opinion. It made them feel uncomfortable if I were to have an opinion different than theirs.

I had my own values at a very young age. I knew what I would accept, and what I would not. I set the values for myself and did not expect anyone to follow in my footsteps. I also did not expect anyone to try to change me.

WAS HE RIGHT OR. . . . . .

I didn’t believe for a moment that I could not pass the test. I knew that his friend was right and I appreciated that he stood up for me, but it was not the time for gloating. I had stepped out of place. My husband’s ego would not let him accept the fact that I could possibly be equal to him. I would have a chance to leave my, ‘supposed to be’ position and this was not acceptable. It scared him.

My husband was a stockbroker and I was going to take the test to have the same career as his. Not because this was my original plan, but because the opportunity arose. I worked at a brokerage company, not the company he was at, as a sales assistant to five stockbrokers. I took the job because it was a different type of company than any other job I had worked at. I learned after working there that once a year, according to senority, a sales assistant would have the opportunity to study and take the test to be a stockbroker.

I did what he probably hoped for and maybe expected and backed down. I turned down the opportunity and gave up the possibility of changing my way of making money and the amount of money I made. There was no reason to continue working there, no other way for advancement and the money was not enough to entice me to stay. I left the job a few months later. This choice was not necessarily a good one, simply because I did not have another choice in mind. When leaving or ending something having a choice of what you are going to do next and a plan of how you are going to achieve your goal is absolutely mandatory. I did not change my way of working or making money, I simply stayed on the same plane and got another job.

Did what he say affect me? Of course, it did, but the choice I made affected me even more so. When I gave in I, also, gave up. Having someone tell me I can’t, accepting it and giving up and giving in is not a quality in me that I like.

A few months later it seemed that everything wrong with this marriage increased in magnitude. I was angry because I let him manipulate me. I saw him in a different light and I didn’t like what I saw, therefore we separated and I divorced him. My choice was to be single and for me this was a good choice.

Actually I am quite proud that I have opinions and that I am stepping out of my ‘supposed to be’ pattern. In its place I am becoming me and adapting to my new freedom. Gradually I am learning that in stepping out of a ‘supposed to be’ place, I am safe. I am accepting that I can do what I want, regardless of how others feel. Taking this step gives me a feeling of power. Facing the fear and anger directed toward me by the person that feels I’m betraying them, is a big step. The fact I am making the choice to tell a few people that I am writing and not backing down if I hear negative responses, is huge for me. By doing this I am announcing more emphatically that I am a writer and I push forward more focused than ever.

EXERCISE

• Have you found yourself in a, ‘supposed to be’ situation?
• How did you react?
• List the ways in which you can change and gradually break free without upsetting the other individual. Is it really necessary (or possible) to not upset the other person?
• How can you take steps to implement one of these changes today ?

A LESSON IN LETTING GO

I had two choices when I first stepped onto the glimmering hardwood floor. I could be timid, unsure, and probably a bit intimidated, or I could stop thinking those thoughts and give it my all. I wanted to dance so much that I was sure I would not hold back. I knew life would be different, once I let myself do what I wanted. It took courage, but I was determined to do something different with my life, to take a risk.

It was the first time that I took dance classes, the ones usually reserved for those of preschool age until their early twenties. That didn’t stop me. I was the only student over 50, actually probably the only one over the age of 30. The instructor/owner of the studio was only 18, but she was gracious and willing to teach me.

We started out with jazz and ballet—ballet being something I did not particularly think would be what I wanted, but she insisted that it was a good foundation. So we began. She was a professional in every aspect and expected the best from me. She pushed me, made me kick higher, made me do everything better, the result being that she knew I would give her what she asked from me.

IMMERSED IN PLEASURE

I soon discovered that two classes a week were not enough, but I consoled myself since there was to be a dance concert in June. I could manage. Ballet lasted about a month, and then I said no more, although at times I still find myself standing in first position. I wanted something fast. A good rhythm, or hip-hop, maybe, and that wasn’t ballet, but it was jazz.

I discovered that dancing is a form of expressing me, of letting go all that I had been keeping hidden inside me. Dancing was something that I had always enjoyed, although as a child I was exposed to it only briefly, through ballroom dancing lessons at school, and square dancing in my hometown. But, it wasn’t until I took jazz classes that I realized just how much dancing was a major part of who I am.

The following June we readied ourselves for the concert. I remember walking out on stage for the first time, looking at the crowd of over 500 people (standing room only), thinking, “This must be heaven.” I loved dancing on stage more than life itself.

The following year, my instructor asked me if I would do a solo plus the class performance. Of course, I said yes rather enthusiastically, and did my solo to “Hello Dolly.”

Both years, after the last of three performances of the concert, it was such a let down, and maybe even a little depression crept in. Classes took a two-month break, but it was too long for me.

ALIBIS EXIST IN LARGE QUANTITIES

I didn’t return for the third year. Many alibis kept me separated from what I loved. Things like not enough money for classes, not enough time for classes, not enough money to buy costumes for the June concerts. I’m sure I thought of more, and that was enough to stop me.

But, the reality was that doing what I loved, what I wanted to do, was a pleasure that I felt I did not deserve, so I couldn’t go back. I had been told many years ago that you can’t make any money in the artistic fields. I wasn’t in it for the money, but I was doing what I wanted, which I knew was forbidden.

NEVER STOPPING

Being told I cannot do what I want has only made me more determined to succeed. With the help of my instructor, I knew I could go beyond all expectations. I may not have gotten the support I needed from my parents, but support now comes to me from a different source, from my instructors. They are the ones that tell me how good I am, in front the class. I allow them to tell me how good I am and I allow myself to accept the praise graciously.

Even though I am not currently at a studio, being over the age of 50 has its advantages. I can take line dance classes for a minimal fee and as many as six classes a week. They are offered at the various senior recreational centers and I attend as often as I can. The line dances are the usual country western, but also a ballroom line dancing class, consisting of different styles such as cha-cha, salsa, swing, fox trot and any combination. Line dancing eliminates the need for a partner. The instructors give us enough so that we feel it, we sweat, our heartbeats race.

The instructors in these classes have also commented on how good I am, and with this praise I trust in how good I am, and I push to do even better. My greatest achievement is that I dance in step with the instructors.

I used to be ashamed of being better than others, especially those who are much older than I am, but I’ve since learned that there is nothing wrong with showing my good qualities, with being better than I ever thought I could be.

EXERCISES

• What have you done that took you out of your comfort zone? How did it make you feel?
• Did you have an instructor, a mentor, or a friend push you to your limits and beyond?
• If not, think of something you’ve always wanted to do, but never felt you could.
• What steps can you take toward accomplishing that goal?

I DIDN’T SEE IT COMING

Do you slide into old habits, not realizing you have, until it’s too late? I did. Just recently. This pattern is so subtle that I knew it was happening, but I didn’t feel the urgency to stop and make adjustments.

The telltale signs that my body was retaining fat and flab startled me. I wasn’t feeling confident and sure of myself as is the result of working on my core area. What happened?

It only took a few minutes to register that I had quit exercising. I had quit doing Pilates five or six mornings a week. My dance teacher called me the other day reminding me of her classes that I had not been attending. I do a total of three to six dance classes a week and had stopped completely.

I know my body needs a lot of continual movement in order for me to feel good and other than shoveling the snow a number of times, I had quit all other forms of taking care of my body. Worse, yet I was consuming more fat and a lot of sugar. Wow!

IT WAS AN INSIDE JOB

Having time was not the issue. I work part time and even fewer hours lately. There wasn’t a physical reason that kept me from exercising.  It was though, the fact that I felt I could not at this time spend any time on me.

Although, I did let my fewer hours at my job, meaning less income, to deter my going to dance classes, which cost under $5.00 an hour. I can reduce my amount of dance classes to two or three.  Can’t say I have that same excuse for Pilates, since I have a Pilates video at home.

Every once in a while what I want and need becomes nonessential. It’s as though I feel I am not worthy and to live up to that feeling, I stop doing good things for me. It happened again. It’s not the time or the money. It is though, the feeling that I am not worthy, I am not good enough. I can make up any excuse I want, but it is how I feel about me that actually makes me stop.

OH, THOSE WORDS AGAIN

Could it be my mother’s words? Was this message creeping up on me again?

She had emphatically told me that to keep a happy home, the most important person in your life is the man you’re married to, then your children and if you have anything left over, I’m assuming she meant time, money and energy, it is for you. I steadfastly lived by this motto. As I watched my mother this is what she did, so I chose to do it also.

Yes, my mother believed she was last in her family, but she was also clever. She married a man who made a good income and she knew how to manage the money. She saved without needing to skimp. When she decided it was time to have what she wanted, she had the money set aside. She went to the most expensive department store to buy her clothes and for my treat of the day we had lunch in the exquisite dining room on the top floor of the building.

She did though leave out a very important part, teaching me to be clever.

THE RESULTS

Even though occasionally I need to remind myself to exercise and eat healthy, I can do it so much easier as long as I believe that I deserve to have a strong, slim and healthy body.

I now put myself first as it is essential for my well-being. I intend to be healthy and in a good place mentally and emotionally so that if the need arises I can take care of others.

EXERCISE

•  Think of a situation with which you’re currently dissatisfied
•  What messages can you recall from earlier in your life that might have contributed to   this situation?
•  Ask yourself if these messages are still valid.
•  If they are not, let them go!
•  Think of positive messages to replace the old ones and say them to yourself every day.

REALITY WORE A BLACK LEATHER JACKET

After a delightful lunch at our favorite restaurant, my friend and I did our usual shopping (for me it was limited to window shopping) at the mall. On that day, since it was a little chilly, what better way to keep warm than to wear the leather jacket she had given me. She had explained to me that the jacket was too large for her and she felt it was too nice to just give away. I’ve always wanted a leather jacket and, not knowing when I would have the money to buy one for myself, I accepted. It was even too small for me, but that didn’t matter, I just didn’t button it.

Still, though it was a hand-me-down. It belonged to her and I felt no pride of ownership. After all, I did not spend my money to buy it. Which is probably why I felt so ashamed when my friend and I ran into an acquaintance of hers. The lady complimented me on the jacket, I could feel my friend’s eyes on me as she waited for me to do what I know I should have. I could not force myself to tell her that my friend had given it to me, that it was a hand-me-down. It was in that moment that I didn’t know which was worse: wearing a hand-me-down, something that she no longer wanted, or telling a lie by omission.

THIS THING ABOUT HAND-ME-DOWNS

Maybe it was how I felt at the time, vulnerable and a little needy. Money was not flowing abundantly into my life so I felt left out, secluded from the way I would like to have been living. This was not a way that I enjoy or would want anyone to know about, but there I was, graciously accepting a hand-me down that I was offered. It meant I did not have the money to go out and buy the item, and I said yes, when I really wanted to say no. It makes me feel poor to accept hand-me-downs even from the best of friends and family.

I, on one hand, realize that what they’ve done is a nice gesture. On the other hand, it reminds me of my precarious financial situation. I am financially unable to buy the new clothes that I want, that actually fit me and reflect the style that I like, and they know it. It’s another reminder that I am not in the place that I want to be in financially, not yet anyway. I know what it is and I see it off in the distance, but I’m not there.

If I accept the hand-me-downs, no matter how good they are or how expensive they were when they were new, I am still settling for less. This is because I know that I have, in that moment, lost my independence. They are acting in good faith, wanting to do something for me, and there may even be a tinge of pity involved.

A STARK VIEW OF REALITY

Could I have felt oversensitive when it was nothing more than the fact that she couldn’t wear it? When my friend had no ulterior motive, only a desire for me to have her jacket? Could it be that my feeling bad or ashamed was not a rational reaction?

I realize that for a very long time I’ve been worried about finding a way to make the amount of money it will take to keep me from having to worry about not having enough. Because of this worry that is always at the forefront in my mind, negative thoughts are abundant. I’ve stopped believing in the positive. In the moment when my friend and I ran into her acquaintance, I had forgotten that I do have the power to make new choices, to change my thoughts which will then change my life.

I felt powerless, and so I was sensitive to the fact that someone else, a stranger, may see that I am a phony. That I don’t have money that I act like I have, that I do at times need to accept a hand-me-down, that a friend will buy my lunch and that I am not as perfect as I would like everyone to believe.

But, I realized most of that it is perfectly okay. Because I do have the power to change my life, and there will be a time that I will be there to help my friend, to do special things for her.

EXERCISES

• Can you think of instances in which negative thoughts were controlling you and your life?
• What thoughts are you thinking now? Are they making you feel bad in some way?
• Are you willing to choose better and more productive thoughts?
• Change your thoughts and change your life.